Really Only Been Looking For You

I recently learned about an awesome group called The Arrows through YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSygzZHZakQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmBZw1knSxk

They are truly too cool for school. I recently got their EP and album off of iTunes, and I love their song writing. And I wish I could borrow a couple of outfits from their wardrobes. They use a melodica in a couple of their songs, and I really want one... even though I know it'll be like every other instrument I've gotten, where I get obsessed with it for a second, and then I never pick it up again, or I'll pick it up again for a little bit, then move on to some other cool new instrument.

I like having various instruments at hand, even if I don't play them well or play them at all. I know that sounds wasteful, but I think the reason why I like to have them is because music is a big part of my life. There's a song in my heart, and I suppose I feel that even if I do play badly, G-d sees it as worship and using what He's given me. Other than greed, I can't think of why I would want to hoard instruments, but maybe He's given me a heart of worship. Or maybe I just really want to find Him, and find new ways to praise Him.

For The Beauty of the Earth

Today, I took a walk, hoping to find a church that had a Wednesday night service, and I passed several churches, but none of them had services. I was disappointed. I started to cry a little bit. Then G-d said to me, "You won't find me in a church. Just keep walking. Walk with me because this is where you'll find me."

And then right before my eyes was the most incredible sunset. Not this one pictured, but it was beautiful, and I felt my soul praising the Lord for such beauty. And then he began to show me the trees. He reminded me that at this moment the trees are barren, but soon the season will be changing, and they will come to life; they will bloom and grow, and they will be beautiful. And he said to me, "You are barren at this moment, but I am changing the season, and you will come to life; you will bloom and grow, and you will be beautiful."

I kept walking, until I was met by a library. I began reading a new book by one of my favorite authors Gail Carson Levine, and I felt like a kid again. I felt at home. I felt like it was time to start writing stories again. Not just for NaNoWriMo, but for myself. I do not know what G-d has in store for me next, but my future is in his hands, and I am glad that seasons change.

Jealousy

The Bible says that the Gentiles will be grafted into the same tree of Judaism, but it feels like I am missing out on being able to embrace the fullness of G-d because I am not a part of Abraham's lineage. I've been reading through a copy of the Haggadah that I have (thanks to the Braunstein family), and I love the beauty of the Passover Seder, and I wish that I could take part in it without needing an invitation from a Jewish family.

I think one of the many reasons why I fell in love with Colby is because I wanted a closer connection to the G-d of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. I want to be a part of the rich traditons. I want to celebrate the same holidays that Jesus- Yeshua would have celebrated. I want to have a complete understanding of the Lord of all creation, and I want to follow the commandments that he laid out. I want to follow the commands that Yeshua followed. I want to be a part of the ones who were originally chosen.

I know that the promises are still accessible to me, and I know that the intimacy that I have with my Lord is greater than a lot of people who are part of the original chosen, but I am still jealous.

Oh yeah, life goes on...

In the show, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, Fudge eats Peter's turtle and Peter is left to deal with it. It's a sad happening in Peter's childhood, but life goes on, and Judy Blume went on to write a bunch of other books with Peter and Fudge in it.

Well, the turn of events have been very unique, and I am handling things better I thought I would. I've been really getting my prayer on, and oh my, the Lord has been revealing a lot of things to me- about myself, about the relationship I had with Colby, about my time in New York City, and how life goes on regardless of tragedy.

But you know what? It wasn't a tragedy after all. It was a blessing. G-d has been showing me how many things I ignored and overlooked while I was in the relationship... he's been pointing out why things wouldn't have worked out if we had been contemplating marriage, and I am grateful that the Lord let me run into his arms and that he held me there until I was strong enough to stand without using him as my crutch. The Lord was kind to give me a wound that will heal without much scarring.

Life goes on, and I am healing very well, if I do say so myself.

I am a Zebra

Well, I am still healing from the break up, and very thankful that when I am devastated, I can throw myself onto Jesus and cling on for dear life until I can walk again.

I believe that I am transitioning. G-d showed me a starving anorexic looking dog, under a table. Then, the dog's legs began to grow out, and suddenly it transformed to a zebra in the savannah. In Matthew 15:21-28, there was a gentile woman following Jesus and crying out to him to save her daughter from death.

²⁴He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel."

²⁵The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said.

²⁶He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

²⁷"Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."

²⁸Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

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I believe that the Lord was showing me that the season that I have been in while in NYC has been one of the starved dog, desperate for crumbs. But now, the season is changing for me, Jesus is going to grant me the grace to transform into a Zebra.

Zebras are social animals. They are not domesticated animals- wild and untamed. They have very heightened senses- smell, taste, vision, hearing. They are very adaptable when it comes to foraging and finding food. They're digestive systems allow them to live and be strong even on foliage with low nutritional value. The stripes of the zebra allow them to be unseen by predators in their environments, which help them to blend in with the atmosphere.

I believe that the Lord is going to be moving me into a season where I will be finding my spiritual senses. That he is giving me eyes to see and ears to hear. I believe that I will be able to get strong and be fed, even by the smallest unlikely nuggets of wisdom and teaching. And I believe that I will be well hidden from the attacks of the enemy. I also believe that I will be able to go into many different environments and still be able to blend in and be safe.

I am a ZEBRA. I am a ZEBRA. This is my mantra. I am a ZEBRA!

Back to Life

I think that I've been dead for a good majority of my time in New York City. Not at the beginning, and there have been some times where I've felt very alive, but I've been mostly dead.

Dear G-d,

Please bring me back to life. Rescue me from the death trap that I've built for myself. I know I don't deserve your grace or mercy, but I will cry out for it. I know that you hear me and that even if I am a dog, you will give me some scraps. I want to be found in you again. Please come and be my hero.

Love,

Annie