Pardon My Dust

I guess when you're down, the enemy likes to kick you in the stomach and say, "While you're already down there, you might as well receive some more blows."

As I've been doing my grief share, I've found that the phenomenon of losing friends after a death happens a lot. Friends end up getting angry with you because you aren't as attentive or because they feel like they are unappreciated by you. This isn't the case. Really, I'm just drowning sometimes, and I am a flawed person, but it's not on purpose. Maybe this is just another fire that I need to be refined in, and maybe there will be something more beautiful on the other side of this.

Pardon my dust, excuse my mess

Please don't be another judge for me to try to impress

I'm saying my prayers, and I'm trying to change

Give me some time cause I'm still finding my way

Why are you looking at me that way?

Pointing your finger, shaking your head

How about some love along the way instead?

Pardon my dust.

(Chris Rice, I love you.)

Bringing Sexy Back 2011

So, I recently heard about Sexy Back 11 and I'm up for the challenge. I am still trying to figure out a routine that will work for me, and I'd really like to get accountability. I'm going to go to the gym 45- 60 minutes per day (15-30 minutes on weights, then 15-30 minutes of cardio). I'd like to go to the gym everyday, but I need to work up to it. So this week's goal is to go to the gym two times this week. Next week, I'll up it to four times. My overall goal is to lose 20 pounds. I'm ready to start looking and feeling my best.

I can't sleep. There are so many deep questions that bother me well into the morning.

Why do people insist spelling Madeleine L'engle's name "Madeline" when her name is ON THE BOOKS?!?!? I am specifically talking about people who list her as their "favorite author."

So much for being fans... or literate, for that matter.

Looking Forward to Looking Back

The past is over, and I am constantly changing. I can't change the things that I have done, but I can let go of the old things that are weighing me down and amend my future. I am lucky to have had parents who taught me how to persevere in spite of the on-going turmoil. I remember when I used to consider myself a black sheep, a reject, and a loser, and I am so thankful that I didn't stay in that place.

Right now, I'll admit, things aren't going 100% my way, but then again, when has it ever gone my way 100%? I have just got to push through and continue to do better, try harder, and believe down to the letter.

Comparing pain

I'm angry because someone compared their pain to mine.

My emotions are running pretty high right now. I have this raging anger right now, and I don't like it, but it exists all the same.

Petty?

One of my ex-boyfriends whom we shall call "Old Greg" should come with a warning tattooed on his forehead. I recently found out that he was engaged, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not jealous of the girl- I feel very sorry for this young woman who is about to commit herself to such a heinous person. Marriage to a guy like him is a punishment that I would not wish on even my worst enemy.

It was a long time ago, but I can't help remembering that all of my friends were celebratory about the break up- the fact that we all called him "Old Greg" in the early stages of the relationship should have been warning enough for me not to pursue anything with him, but like the stubborn idiot that I was, I did anyway, and it was a big mess. I know I was stupid for a while, but eventually, I got less stupid, and got rid of the guy.

I hope this girl wakes up and realizes that the man she's wasting valuable moments of her life on is a total ass hat.

Tear Stains

It's early in the morning, at least early for me, and I find myself in tears. This overwhelming sense of loss seems to wash over me.