All You Need Is Love

The south has been good for me, body and soul. I've spent time with my family: mom,dad, sis, bro, baby, kitty, and my aunties-- which has been great! But even greater, is hanging out in Atlanta with my closer than family, kindred spirits minus Nicole: Quinn, Ashley, Erica. Inaddition to that, I've been able to see all of my old Woodstock/Kennesaw area friends minus the Barbiers: Eric, Sabrina, Tommy, and the Collins boys.

New York City is wonderful, but nothing can beat the unearned, unconditional, unbridled love that pours out from the south. I am truly at home down south, and it isn't because of location, it's love that makes difference. I'm not saying that I am unloved in the city, I

certainly love my friends, and I know that they love me, but the level of conditions are always there. In the city, I battle with insecurity and with feelings of incompetence on a minutely basis. Down here, I can just... be. I don't have to battle or try or strive.

Here and Now

There is no day but today. Yes, I am quoting RENT the musical. I cannot live in the failures or in the victories of my past. I must live presently. At present I am in Atlanta with my best friend in this whole wide world, Quinn. There will be time for regrets later, but right now, I am going to enjoy every moment. I am going to soak up the sunshine, and the rain, and the coconut oil, and I'm going to live today. Maybe I'll make a few mistakes, or maybe I won't. I don't need to worry about it now, I'll handle it when I get there.

Je Suis Stupide

Moments of insecurity are inevitable, and right now, I certainly feel like an idiot. I feel like I'm not as intelligent as I want to be. I'm not as poised and grown up as I'd like to be. The way I speak, the way I think, the way I look, the way I dress, the way I act in social situations... they aren't like my favorite heroine, Elizabeth Bennet. I'm more like Lydia or Kitty. I feel as childish as I did when I was twelve years old obsessing over Hanson and fangirl-ing over Newsies (the Disney movie musical).

Lately, I've been reading J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye, and I know it's supposed to be some great work of literature, but maybe I'm just shallow phony because I don't like it at all. I think Holden Caufield is a spoiled, over-privileged, whiney do-nothing who has too much money and too much time to do absolutely nothing. I know that some people think it's brilliant, and so real, and it's the struggle of the modern young man, but I'd rather read Andy Griffith's The Day My Butt Went Psycho.

This book is about a boy whose butt runs away from him and decides to take over the world, and the boy has to team up with the A-Team of Butt Catchers and Butt Hunters to catch his butt and keep it World Butt Domination. Very different from any of the struggles that Holden Caufield goes through.

I'm not smart enough. I'm not deep enough. I'm not serious enough. I don't think enough. I should spend at least an hour a day doing algebra and reading philosophy. I should devote myself to spend at least two hours a day thinking about world politics.

There is a deeper side to me, there really is... I think it's just a little shy sometimes.

Resurrection

I was sure that I was dying. My insides were exploding, my bones were being crushed, and I was burning alive.

I hit a moment of delusion where I thought I was becoming a star and being sent to the heavens. Inside of me was an unending song, "God Save Me!" "You are Lord of All!" "If I should die here, I will die proclaiming Your name!" I was shouting it with all that I had within me, and I frightened everyone with my "crazy" shouting. I was praying in tongues loud and I abandoned all inhibitions. Everyone thought I was a lunatic.

The pain didn't matter anymore. The world itself didn't matter anymore. My dignity and pride didn't matter. All that mattered was the Creator of the Universe. If I ever made it out of the nightmare, it would be impossible for me to go back to normal life again.

I am a much different woman now. I am still human, and I still make my stupid mistakes, but after what happened, after almost dying... I know that God is giving me a second chance. Maybe a third chance. Maybe this is the seventh chance...

I only know this: He is the only one that matters to me now, and I will walk with Him and live for Him.