Somebody That I Used to Know

There are a lot of things that I could write about Gotye's Somebody That I Used to Know. For instance the art of the video, the instrumental quality of the song, but I'm more of a lyrics girl. In particular, I am Kimbra's persona in the video.

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done

And I don't want to live that way

Reading into every thing you say

You said that you would let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used know

Unlike Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain who just cain't quit his lover, Ennis; I can quit. I can cut people off. I can get my friends to collect my records and then change my number. I am quite capable of resigning myself to loneliness. Even if it means putting myself through pain and hell. When someone disappoints me, I have a hard time forgiving. I have a harder time forgetting. Rather than letting go of the pain, I let go of the person. I dismiss them, but I cut myself on the pain. It would be nice if I could let go of the pain too.

Phantom Punch

When things don't go the way they're "supposed" to, I get frustrated. I cry. I feel like my whole world is caving in. I feel helpless and out of control. I am insecure. I am not safe. I am full of doubt, full of worries. I an inconsolable.

I imagine the worst possible outcomes, and never stop to think how ridiculous they might be. I blow things out of proportion. I look out into my future and only see failure.

When really, it's just one incident and it doesn't determine my entire destiny and it doesn't fate me to a cursed existence. Life is full of errors and mistakes. You can't plan life. You can't control it. You roll with the punches, and throw some in yourself.

Trauma and Insight

A little bit after my daddy died, I was going through grief sharing. I was also meeting up with a friend who is a counselor, and it was mentioned in both places that people who go through trauma have basically had their "worldview" or sense of self ripped apart, and are left to rebuild themselves.

It's interesting because the actor side of myself seemed to have been lost in the trauma. There are moments where I miss acting, but for the most part, I'm simply not inclined to pursue it. I'm rebuilding and acting hasn't been entirely rebuilt yet. Maybe it will one day when I least expect it.

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Jill Bolte Taylor's talks, and her book My Stroke of Insight has been added to my new year's reading list. While having a stroke, the left hemisphere of her brain was essentially erased, and she had to start all over again from scratch. She also talks about changing the circuits of one's mind, and rebuilding new thoughts- positive thoughts, and not feeding old, negative thoughts. Letting go of negative thoughts and people. Not even giving power to thoughts of them because they are not important.

It reminds me of a verse in 2 Corinthians 10- taking captive every thought and bringing it into obedience. I can control the things that I think. I can control the emotions that certain thoughts feed by taking those awful thoughts, and tossing them away. Jill Bolte Taylor says that it takes 91 seconds to go from angry to calm. Most people stay angry, but I don't want to live like that. I've received too much love in my life to let my joy get stolen by errant thoughts. So when anger and ugly thoughts and ugly people come my way, homie won't play that. 91 seconds. I'm not the same person that I was yesterday. I am beginning to rebuild. New year, new me.

Getting Colder

The sudden arrival of winter came today. I got a few things accomplished such as sending my student loan payment in, visiting my dad's grave, and going to work early.

After which, me and the bear went to see some Joyful Noise.

The weather is so cold right now. It chills me.

Then Again

For a while, I was content with being in the south and the suburbs. While I am enjoying the lovely weather and the man of my dreams, the location is becoming less than ideal. I miss New York City. I don't miss the financial struggles or the smell of garbage, but I miss the traffic, the hot dog stands, I miss the people, the diversity, the art, the lights... on the other hand, I am glad to be away from it.

And I want a change. I long to be on a real island, Hawaii. I long to be surrounded by water, Asians and Pacific Islanders, and sunshine and warm rains. I want to hula and surf and swim and SCUBA, and sing and play ukulele. Ah, well.

New Year

There is a world where my father is alive, and my mother feels worry free and completely secure. There is a world where there are no tears shed. There is a world where doing good to others comes naturally to us.

That is not this world.

But.

It's a new year. And my father is gone, and I and my mother keep one another company. And there is a man who loves me whole heartedly, and I love him more and more every day. And this new year may not bring any resolutions, but perhaps there will be lessons to be learned and life to live.