Thanks

Thank you, life, for bringing me love.  Thank you, love, for bringing me life.

I just want things to get better. 

Songs of Heartache

I like songs about heartbreak.  Don't get me wrong, love songs are the best, love them, but there's something so unique about break up songs.  Some of my favorites include

1. I Don't Really Love You Anymore by The Magnetic Fields

2. Stay Away From Me by Chris Thile 

3. Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley

4. Falling by The Civil Wars

5. 14th Street by Rufus Wainwright

6. Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye

7. The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley (The India.Arie version is awesome)

8. Merry Happy by Kate Nash

Ready, Set, Go!

I am going to be positive, in spite of the negativity that may be brewing.  I may not feel like a hundred bucks right, now, but I am alive, my heart is beating, the day has unlimited possibilities, so let's get crackin'.  I ain't getting any younger!

Happy Thank You More Please

Happiness and gratitude are two things that I want to see daily.  There is so much darkness that tries to break down my spirit.  There is evil that lurks about and tries to root into my soul.

I need light, warmth, and gentleness.  I need pure, unselfish, humble love.  

I can only give what I have, and I want to give out peace, joy, hope, faith, and understanding.  But most of all, I want to give love.  I want to walk into a room and be love to the world.

Never Ask Me to be a Suicide Counselor

I would be a horrible suicide counselor.  Honest to goodness, I would.  I just read a young musician's story of his suicide attempt via pills and his reasons why: he's a bad father, a bad boyfriend, a bad friend, a bad son, a bad brother, a failure in music, etc.

After reading, I rolled my eyes, sighed, and thought to myself: he didn't want to die, he just wants people to think he wants to die so they'll feel sorry for him.  He might just be a crappy person.  He needs to man up and fix his problems.

There are some suicidal people that I can understand why they would be suicidal, but there are others who just seem like whiney attention whores.

Am I just completely compassionless?  Maybe I am, but there are some people with disease, some who are starving, some who are just trying to make it to the end of they, and they are fighting for life.  They aren't throwing away their time on this earth.  They aren't whining or complaining about how hard life is, they just want to live.

Part of me is angry because people just don't value life.  Another part of me is angry because if people are crappy, horrible human beings and they want to kill themselves to absolve themselves from guilty feelings, maybe they should just do it already.

Yet another part of me is raging because my father's life was stolen.  And suicidal people, they don't have someone with a gun to their chests robbing them of their dignity and shooting them down like a worthless nothing.

I wish I could have more compassion.  Maybe it will resurface after time, but I can almost guarantee, I wouldn't be a very good suicide counselor.  So if ever you're feeling suicidal, don't call me because I might push you over the edge by telling you that life is hard so you better get used to it.

My Fellow Americans

Today, I did an interview where I really had to explore my identity and heritage.  English is the language that I identify, as is Western/American culture.  But my heritage is not native of this country, and some of the habits and rituals that I have picked up reflect behaviors from the far East.

I am Korean, and I am not ashamed about it, nor do I feel any less about myself because I am considered a "minority."  But there are moments where I feel a little bit guilty that I don't speak the language of my "motherland."

There are choices that second generation children have to make.  Are we going to continue the legacy and heritage of our parents?  Or are we going to adopt the American way?  I have obviously chosen to be less Korean and more American.  And I am okay with that.

Hi, Atus!

I go through long stints of not writing, and it's fine for a bit, but then deep within me, something compels me to just write. It may be about the mundanities of the day, but I still feel the draw to use my words as a means of expression.

So many things have happened this year, that it's hard to talk about all of the things that I'd love to go into detail about, so I'll start with the most important: my engagement and upcoming nuptials.

Rob took me to the river walk, and we were on the balcony that overlooks the water, and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. It was a huge surprise, but I suppose that's been the whole story of us.

Prior to meeting the love of my life, I was pretty messed up- scarred from allowing unworthy men access to my heart and soul, then experiencing the biggest heartbreak of all, losing my precious, darling father, then experiencing the numbness of grief. I didn't see it coming at all, and then *bam* love hit me hard and good. I found myself dancing in the arms of a good leader, a gentleman, and a scholar. 

Neither of us were really looking, but here we are: together at last, and getting ready to build our beautiful future. It is a wonderful surprise.

Busy Bee

I've been doing a lot. In spite of not having any real resolutions for the new year, I've been kicking it up a couple of notches.

I'm working my way to living debt free, and I'm planning on building a better me by focusing on my health, nutrition, and activity.

I need to get rid of this lethargic beast that seems to come onto me. I need to kick laziness in the rear and tell it to scat. I need to look up to a God who is bigger than my circumstances, and I need to get myself right- mind, spirit, body.

And I'm on my way.

Somebody That I Used to Know

There are a lot of things that I could write about Gotye's Somebody That I Used to Know. For instance the art of the video, the instrumental quality of the song, but I'm more of a lyrics girl. In particular, I am Kimbra's persona in the video.

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done

And I don't want to live that way

Reading into every thing you say

You said that you would let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used know

Unlike Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain who just cain't quit his lover, Ennis; I can quit. I can cut people off. I can get my friends to collect my records and then change my number. I am quite capable of resigning myself to loneliness. Even if it means putting myself through pain and hell. When someone disappoints me, I have a hard time forgiving. I have a harder time forgetting. Rather than letting go of the pain, I let go of the person. I dismiss them, but I cut myself on the pain. It would be nice if I could let go of the pain too.

Phantom Punch

When things don't go the way they're "supposed" to, I get frustrated. I cry. I feel like my whole world is caving in. I feel helpless and out of control. I am insecure. I am not safe. I am full of doubt, full of worries. I an inconsolable.

I imagine the worst possible outcomes, and never stop to think how ridiculous they might be. I blow things out of proportion. I look out into my future and only see failure.

When really, it's just one incident and it doesn't determine my entire destiny and it doesn't fate me to a cursed existence. Life is full of errors and mistakes. You can't plan life. You can't control it. You roll with the punches, and throw some in yourself.

Trauma and Insight

A little bit after my daddy died, I was going through grief sharing. I was also meeting up with a friend who is a counselor, and it was mentioned in both places that people who go through trauma have basically had their "worldview" or sense of self ripped apart, and are left to rebuild themselves.

It's interesting because the actor side of myself seemed to have been lost in the trauma. There are moments where I miss acting, but for the most part, I'm simply not inclined to pursue it. I'm rebuilding and acting hasn't been entirely rebuilt yet. Maybe it will one day when I least expect it.

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Jill Bolte Taylor's talks, and her book My Stroke of Insight has been added to my new year's reading list. While having a stroke, the left hemisphere of her brain was essentially erased, and she had to start all over again from scratch. She also talks about changing the circuits of one's mind, and rebuilding new thoughts- positive thoughts, and not feeding old, negative thoughts. Letting go of negative thoughts and people. Not even giving power to thoughts of them because they are not important.

It reminds me of a verse in 2 Corinthians 10- taking captive every thought and bringing it into obedience. I can control the things that I think. I can control the emotions that certain thoughts feed by taking those awful thoughts, and tossing them away. Jill Bolte Taylor says that it takes 91 seconds to go from angry to calm. Most people stay angry, but I don't want to live like that. I've received too much love in my life to let my joy get stolen by errant thoughts. So when anger and ugly thoughts and ugly people come my way, homie won't play that. 91 seconds. I'm not the same person that I was yesterday. I am beginning to rebuild. New year, new me.

Getting Colder

The sudden arrival of winter came today. I got a few things accomplished such as sending my student loan payment in, visiting my dad's grave, and going to work early.

After which, me and the bear went to see some Joyful Noise.

The weather is so cold right now. It chills me.

Then Again

For a while, I was content with being in the south and the suburbs. While I am enjoying the lovely weather and the man of my dreams, the location is becoming less than ideal. I miss New York City. I don't miss the financial struggles or the smell of garbage, but I miss the traffic, the hot dog stands, I miss the people, the diversity, the art, the lights... on the other hand, I am glad to be away from it.

And I want a change. I long to be on a real island, Hawaii. I long to be surrounded by water, Asians and Pacific Islanders, and sunshine and warm rains. I want to hula and surf and swim and SCUBA, and sing and play ukulele. Ah, well.

New Year

There is a world where my father is alive, and my mother feels worry free and completely secure. There is a world where there are no tears shed. There is a world where doing good to others comes naturally to us.

That is not this world.

But.

It's a new year. And my father is gone, and I and my mother keep one another company. And there is a man who loves me whole heartedly, and I love him more and more every day. And this new year may not bring any resolutions, but perhaps there will be lessons to be learned and life to live.