Pondering the Past

The first picture is my grandmother, her cousin, my aunt (the older child), and my mom (the baby). The second picture is my Mother, my sister (the older child), and me (the baby).

My grandmother died when my mom was around 12 years old, so I never got to meet her. Last year, I had a few dreams about my grandmother and my mom. I'd never really thought about her before, nor did I consider the impact of her death on my mother. In the dreams, she was never really present, but she was really special and important.

Since those dreams, I have often wondered how she was like. Was she fiesty or gentle? Was she artistic and creative? My older aunt and mom were devastated by her death, so she must have been special. My mom doesn't seem to like to talk about it much, so I don't ask too much, but I'm burning to know more.

Not just about my grandmother, though. I want to know so much more about my mom, but I'm afraid to ask. We've never really talked about her past too in depth, namely, because she's been a mother for more than half of her life, and I've been primarily selfish for most of mine. Call it a joy luck club moment, but I don't want to lose a moment with my mom. I don't want my mom to be gone before I learn her story. I want her story to live on, even after she's gone.

I Don't Know Where This Is Going...

I am very mean. I am critical. I am rude. I am blunt. I am expressive with my emotions. I am defensive. I dislike it when people try to control me. I dislike being silenced. I dislike being told to calm down. I am vicious. I am hateful. I am proud. I am a human. I was born a sinner.

It's really unfair. I never asked to be this way. I never asked to be born at all. And yet I was created. I was brought into this universe. There must be some reason. What was I made for?

It is so hard to love. It is so hard to forgive. It is hard to line up my personal beliefs with my actual life. And yet I still believe that there is a God who is perfect and who loves me and who is making me better. I have to be getting better. I have to believe that there's something better than this. That I am better than this petty behavior and these stupid situations that I get myself into. There's got to be more than just this frustration that I feel with the imperfection in myself and in others that annoys me so.

Surely, there is something good out there. A purpose, a calling, a destiny that is better than what I'm currently accepting. There's more to life than what I'm living.

There must be someone in this city that feels this suffocating sorrow like I do. There must be someone who is just as alone as I am. There must be someone who loves God, but is so painfully imperfect like me.

Jesus, please, just manifest yourself. Even if you're invisible to others, be visible to me. Please, just physically manifest because I can't bear this slow death.

I just want to be with you. I just want this waiting to be over. I just want to be with you. And it helps to know the day is getting closer. Every minute takes an hour. Every inch feels like a mile. Til I won't have to imagine, and I'll finally get to see you smile.

It's a beautiful song and a beautiful concept, but it doesn't help me to know that the day is getting closer. I just want to be with you right now. I know that the Bible verse says to live is Christ, but the next part says to die is gain. I just want to be in the after life. I want to be with Jesus and the angels. I don't need any great treasures or rewards. I just want to be with the Lord. With the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I want to be complete. I don't want to be in pain any longer. I don't want to be this miserable person that I am anymore.

God, please show up.

Searching For God Knows What

Dear God,

What am I doing here if you're not with me? I feel as though I am trapped in this painfully imperfect flesh. I want so badly to be a living sacrifice, a fragrant perfume, and someone who is worthy to dwell in your presence.

But I am failure after failure, and so prone to being a stranger to you and to myself.

Where are you? I am seeking. I don't need to find myself or find a solution. All I Need Is You. I have forgotten how to run, how to fly, and how to swim.

You are the child, pulling back my face with your tiny hands and saying, "Oh, there you are!" You are the youth saying, "Vote for me and all your wildest dreams will come true." You are the leading man, singing to me, "You don't have to do a thing, just simply be with me and let those things go. They can wait another minute. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer, cause I'm in love with you."

I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I think I found it.

...And a Happy New Year...

It is the first day of the new year. It's been a good one so far. I hope it looks up from here. I have very few resolutions.

1. I'm going to read the Bible
2. pray more
3. tithe
4. spend less money
and
5. eat better.