Winter Weight

I am getting chubby as the fall turns to winter. It's not as bad as it could be, but I've been feeding my sadness over Mr. Wonderful's departure with pasta and wine. Delicious and deadly.

I miss him. It's been seven days, but it feels like I haven't seen him in a month. Is time really traveling at the rate we think it is? Because it feels like I won't see him again in a very long time. This makes me sad. Not only am I carrying physical weight, I am also carrying around my emotional weight. Sigh. I hope winter will be over soon.

The Season of Giving

The anticipation of receiving gifts is really what makes Christmas so special. There's also the warm feelings of happiness when you see someone pleased with what you got them.

I wish I could have been better about getting gifts for people. I'm on a budget of nothing, and Christmas is in two days. I haven't even mailed any Christmas cards.

I wasn't necessarily a Scrooge or trying to grinch Christmas- it's just that life got too busy for me to handle. Finances were too overwhelming for me to give. I would rather give a gift that is good than just a crappy old nothing without any thought. But now I feel awful. I couldn't have even sent a little card? Just a little one?

I am usually a very good gift giver. This year, Christmas just snuck up on me, it seems. I didn't have money to get gifts for people. But perhaps, I can employ some of my free time making after Christmas gifts for people.

The truth is, I have not been very thoughtful or giving, and I apologize to all of my friends and especially to Baby Jesus.

Love Supreme

How I feel when I am around that wonderful guy is so different than anything I've felt before. Maybe I fall in love too easily, but sometimes there are these amazing moments where in the words of our favorite tragic heroine Eponine from Les Miserables, "all I see is him and me forever and forever." And it isn't just in my mind, and I'm not just talking to myself and not to him. He likes me, maybe even loves me too. And Ingrid Michaelson might be right. Maybe in the future, he's going to come back, he's going to come back. And the only way to really know is just to really let it go.

I know Christmas hasn't even passed yet, but the new year is coming and maybe this new year will be the best one yet. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, but could this be the new year for a Love Supreme? Only time will tell...

Goals vs. Desire

I kept thinking that if I at least had a boyfriend, things would fall into place. My goals in life would be met. So now, when I find out the one I had my eyes set upon is leaving, I felt discouraged. Granted, I wasn't just looking to him to be a boyfriend- that is madness. He is wonderful, and any girl would be lucky to have him because he is a catch. However, I did place the idea having a boyfriend as a goal.

Improper placement. Having a boyfriend or a husband is not a goal. It is a desire. And there is a difference. Desire is something that you want, but it requires the co-operation of another person to attain. Goals, on the other hand, are ambitions that are attainable with the persistence and work of one's self.

Example: Becoming an actress on Broadway is a desire- it requires the co-operation of a Broadway casting director. Becoming an actress can be a goal. You can train and begin acting on your own. Becoming a working actress is a desire...

I have learned a very important thing. Goals are something that you can work towards. Desires are things that you have to pray for. I will try not to confuse the two things anymore.