I called my parents for mother's day, and it just seemed like there was so much distance between us- figuratively and literally. Today has been a rough day for me. I'm homeless; far from family, from friends, and there was a gyro shack set up right across the street from where I worked which kept pulling my heart strings and making me miss my parents restaurant more than ever. I broke down. I cried. I had to take a few minutes and sit in the back room of the Starbucks and gain my composure.
Later, in the evening, I tried to internet stalk one of my favorite musicians, except that he was unstalkable... there was literally nothing I could find, and that made me a little sad. Then, I went and watched Shadowlands. AND THAT REALLY DEPRESSED ME. It usually doesn't, but this time around, I got so weepy. And then, I started going into dream land, thinking that wouldn't it be awesome if I ever got to meet my favorite musician, and wouldn't it be wonderful if he just saw into my soul, and knew that I was the one, and we'd fall in love, and I would end up with a malignant disease that would threaten my life, and it would end with me, dying a beautifully tragic death, but it wouldn't matter because we would have known what it meant to be in love and have that love returned. Yes, I know, it's idiotic. I was having an Anne Shirley moment (sans the Gilbert... I wish I had a Gilbert...). But then I got super depressed because I began thinking that maybe he HAS found the love of his life, and it ain't ever gonna be me, so I'm just a moron thinking these thoughts, and God is going to punish me for coveting, and fantasizing, and not putting Jesus first in my life, and breaking all kinds of commandments.
Right now, those whispers of worthlessness and failure begin to swirl around my ears. I brush them away, but like smoke, they seem to linger in the air, and even when they aren't visible, they leave behind the stench. I feel like an old worn out shirt, gone through a ringer, and hung out to dry-- separated from the rest of the laundry. I'm all dried out, and someone's forgotten to take me off the line, and so I've been hanging out there all on my own. I know it's not true. I hope it isn't, at least, but there's some room for wavering.
Oh, ye of little faith... that's the category I'm in. Little faith. God, I'm a believer, but help me believe.
