I Don't Know Where This Is Going...

I am very mean. I am critical. I am rude. I am blunt. I am expressive with my emotions. I am defensive. I dislike it when people try to control me. I dislike being silenced. I dislike being told to calm down. I am vicious. I am hateful. I am proud. I am a human. I was born a sinner.

It's really unfair. I never asked to be this way. I never asked to be born at all. And yet I was created. I was brought into this universe. There must be some reason. What was I made for?

It is so hard to love. It is so hard to forgive. It is hard to line up my personal beliefs with my actual life. And yet I still believe that there is a God who is perfect and who loves me and who is making me better. I have to be getting better. I have to believe that there's something better than this. That I am better than this petty behavior and these stupid situations that I get myself into. There's got to be more than just this frustration that I feel with the imperfection in myself and in others that annoys me so.

Surely, there is something good out there. A purpose, a calling, a destiny that is better than what I'm currently accepting. There's more to life than what I'm living.

There must be someone in this city that feels this suffocating sorrow like I do. There must be someone who is just as alone as I am. There must be someone who loves God, but is so painfully imperfect like me.

Jesus, please, just manifest yourself. Even if you're invisible to others, be visible to me. Please, just physically manifest because I can't bear this slow death.

I just want to be with you. I just want this waiting to be over. I just want to be with you. And it helps to know the day is getting closer. Every minute takes an hour. Every inch feels like a mile. Til I won't have to imagine, and I'll finally get to see you smile.

It's a beautiful song and a beautiful concept, but it doesn't help me to know that the day is getting closer. I just want to be with you right now. I know that the Bible verse says to live is Christ, but the next part says to die is gain. I just want to be in the after life. I want to be with Jesus and the angels. I don't need any great treasures or rewards. I just want to be with the Lord. With the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I want to be complete. I don't want to be in pain any longer. I don't want to be this miserable person that I am anymore.

God, please show up.