More Than Saying Sorry

I've been dealing with issues of forgiveness lately. There are still people that I harbor bitterness towards, and I need to learn to forgive if I am ever to become the woman I want to be. Is it a matter of saying, "I forgive you" ? I know there's no book of rules about forgiveness, but these negative feelings don't just go away. I don't want to be angry whenever I hear about these certain people. I don't want to rejoice at their failures nor do I want to sulk and mope when good things happen to the ones that I think don't deserve it.

I'm With You

So, it's been filled with friendship time and hangy-outty time. And then the words were finally said.

"I'm with you."

There's a definitive statement! And even if it were said that "I'm not with you," it would still be okay. But with you, is better than without you.

Sigh! I'm content.

I Can Be Alone

Dancing at discos

Eating cheese on toast

And you make me merry

Make me very very happy

But you obviously

You didn't want to stick around

So I learned from you.

I can be alone

Yeah, I can watch the sunset on my own

I can be alone

-Merry Happy; Kate Nash

Listening to Merry Happy by Kate Nash has been rather enlightening. I still have affections for the amazing man who once returned those affections, but no longer does. And it is okay. The world will keep on spinning, and I will keep on living. And yes, I still like this person, but my life is not wrapped around one individual, nor should it be. I can be alone.

Show Time

"Et de ratage en ratage, on s'habitue à ne jamais dépasser le stade du brouillon. La vie n'est que l'interminable répétition d'une représentation qui n'aura jamais lieu."

Translation: And in misfires in failures, one lives to never go beyond the draft. Life is an endless rehearsal of a performance that never plays.

-Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain

"I remember once you said lying in my bed, 'The past is dead. Everyday is a one act play without an ending.'"

-Hush Now (Stella's Tarantella); Over The Rhine

"Life's a show, and we all play a part."

-Once More With Feeling; Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Ahh, the old performance analogies. We perform in life all the time. But we don't really get a rehearsal. For some things, we do get another stab at whatever performance we were trying to give. But many times when we mess something up, it's a done deal. Permanent. You can't take back what you said or did, and no matter how hard you try to make a new outcome, you can't change the past.

It is impossible to not play back certain moments in my life, and wish I could have a do-over. Another chance to prove myself worthy. Maybe if I had had more time to rehearse, I could have reacted a different way. Maybe if I had more experience with relationships, I wouldn't have behaved the way I did. I most certainly misfired and failed, and as much as I want to change what I did, I can't.

But there is a silver lining, I suppose. Maybe this will prepare me for the next time I have a relationship, and something scares me. Maybe I won't runaway out of fear or become judgmental and make such hasty impulsive final choices. Maybe I won't treat someone with disrespect, and stalk them, and go all cling factor five hundred on them.

Well, life is still worth living, and the show must go on. And hopefully, no legs will actually get broken.

Wrestling

I am funk-tastic right now. I haven't really been sleeping or eating much. I've been wrestling with matters of the heart. I've been at war with the concept of right and wrong. I've been making a pros and cons list of what is considered good and what is considered bad, and I'm getting nowhere.

I broke up with this fantastic man, and I've been angry with God, and with myself, and with my friends, and with everything. I have been told that I am tenacious, and I've been told that I am stubborn. I've been told that it's better to bend than to be broken, and what does that all mean, anyway?

Belief in God is one thing. Trusting in Him is completely different. Do I trust Him? I don't.

I'm struggling. I'm wrestling.

All's Well That Ends Well

I have always loved happy ends. Whether it's a movie, or a book, or a play, or a musical- I like things to end well.

As I've been exploring more with stories, I realize that I could never write a story where the hero or heroine fails and doesn't accomplish the destiny that they were meant to fulfill. The just and the righteous will prevail. The wrong do-ers shall reap the consequences of the seeds that they have sown. I want all things to work together for the good of the characters in the story.

This is a truth I hold in my life. I believe that all things work together for good. I believe in fairy tales. I even believe in happily ever after.

It seems that my life is a series of stories, and many of my stories have ended happily. But ever after? Not for me. Not yet, at least. Once one story ends, another one begins, and sometimes the next story has a sad ending. The book of life isn't over 'til you're dead. And maybe even when you're dead, it might not be completely over. This waiting for the happily ever after to come can be frustrating.

There are so many obstacles that have felt like failures. But I have to keep reminding myself: it isn't the end yet. It's only the start of the plot, and without the setbacks, complications, and conflicts, the triumph is meaningless. No one wants to hear a story about a princess (who never had a wicked stepmother to complicate her life) meeting a prince (who doesn't have to fight the fiercest dragon to win her love) and them falling for one another and never having any complications and living happily ever after. It is the drama and the hardships that make the happily ever after worth while.

The once upon a time has already begun, and maybe I'm in hot mess indecisive must wait for the one who can deal with my psychosis princess mode right now, or maybe I'm the dragon fighter who is having a really tough time fighting because my mental health and my armor are wearing thin! Either way, I'm still believing in the happily ever after.

All That Is Good

There comes a time when a girl has to look up to the sky and thank her lucky stars that the four corners of the earth have lined up just right so that for a solitary moment all is well.

In love, in career, in the hopes and dreams department, everything is just right.

I have always loved the month of September, and I am looking forward to it being pretty awesome.