Winter Weight

I am getting chubby as the fall turns to winter. It's not as bad as it could be, but I've been feeding my sadness over Mr. Wonderful's departure with pasta and wine. Delicious and deadly.

I miss him. It's been seven days, but it feels like I haven't seen him in a month. Is time really traveling at the rate we think it is? Because it feels like I won't see him again in a very long time. This makes me sad. Not only am I carrying physical weight, I am also carrying around my emotional weight. Sigh. I hope winter will be over soon.

The Season of Giving

The anticipation of receiving gifts is really what makes Christmas so special. There's also the warm feelings of happiness when you see someone pleased with what you got them.

I wish I could have been better about getting gifts for people. I'm on a budget of nothing, and Christmas is in two days. I haven't even mailed any Christmas cards.

I wasn't necessarily a Scrooge or trying to grinch Christmas- it's just that life got too busy for me to handle. Finances were too overwhelming for me to give. I would rather give a gift that is good than just a crappy old nothing without any thought. But now I feel awful. I couldn't have even sent a little card? Just a little one?

I am usually a very good gift giver. This year, Christmas just snuck up on me, it seems. I didn't have money to get gifts for people. But perhaps, I can employ some of my free time making after Christmas gifts for people.

The truth is, I have not been very thoughtful or giving, and I apologize to all of my friends and especially to Baby Jesus.

Love Supreme

How I feel when I am around that wonderful guy is so different than anything I've felt before. Maybe I fall in love too easily, but sometimes there are these amazing moments where in the words of our favorite tragic heroine Eponine from Les Miserables, "all I see is him and me forever and forever." And it isn't just in my mind, and I'm not just talking to myself and not to him. He likes me, maybe even loves me too. And Ingrid Michaelson might be right. Maybe in the future, he's going to come back, he's going to come back. And the only way to really know is just to really let it go.

I know Christmas hasn't even passed yet, but the new year is coming and maybe this new year will be the best one yet. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, but could this be the new year for a Love Supreme? Only time will tell...

Goals vs. Desire

I kept thinking that if I at least had a boyfriend, things would fall into place. My goals in life would be met. So now, when I find out the one I had my eyes set upon is leaving, I felt discouraged. Granted, I wasn't just looking to him to be a boyfriend- that is madness. He is wonderful, and any girl would be lucky to have him because he is a catch. However, I did place the idea having a boyfriend as a goal.

Improper placement. Having a boyfriend or a husband is not a goal. It is a desire. And there is a difference. Desire is something that you want, but it requires the co-operation of another person to attain. Goals, on the other hand, are ambitions that are attainable with the persistence and work of one's self.

Example: Becoming an actress on Broadway is a desire- it requires the co-operation of a Broadway casting director. Becoming an actress can be a goal. You can train and begin acting on your own. Becoming a working actress is a desire...

I have learned a very important thing. Goals are something that you can work towards. Desires are things that you have to pray for. I will try not to confuse the two things anymore.

Testify

Okay, so honestly: I fear calling myself a Christian sometimes. A lot of times. I live in this world of fear. Fear that I'm not Christian enough, and fear that I'm too Christian. Weird, right? I want to live a life of love and light. I don't want to be mean to people, but I often am. I don't want to gain if someone has to lose, but I often lose sight of the needs of others and go after my own selfish ambitions. I don't want to trample anyone, and I don't want to be trampled. And we can't have it both ways, can we? I don't know!

I want to be cool, but I want to be hard core too. I love crazy Jesus people. I love Gays. I bless. I curse. I drink. Too much. Sometimes.

I sin every day. I ask forgiveness everyday. Sometimes I'm wrapped in holiness. Sometimes I'm soaked in shame. Sometimes my pride is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. And somehow, God just breaks me down and forces me into humility.

I can run from God, but I can't hide from Him. I can be ashamed of Him, but He's still my dad. I can deny Him three thousand times, but when I'm at the end of my rope and I've hit rock bottom, I will always turn to Him. Why? Because He's merciful. Because He's just. Because He is good. He is light. He is life.

It's interesting because there are times that I am literally yoked to Jesus. Because I said I want Christ to be Lord of my life, I am now bound to Him, and there's no escaping. I have periods of rebellion, but I'm always coming back. Maybe Jesus is my crack.

Sometimes I want to go my own way, but I don't because I know that being chained to a master who is loving and leading me on a path to salvation is better than wandering around blind and alone.

And that's what I got to testify tonight.

This Life

I often find myself contemplating this life that I've chosen. The career of being an actor. Living in New York City. Believing in Christianity.

There have been a lot of different forks in the road where I could have done things differently, and sometimes I wonder what I would have become if I had done this or that differently. I can't keep regretting things that I did or didn't do. I made those choices, and I have to live with the good and bad consequences of them all. Whatever I sow in this life, I will reap.

If I sow goodness, generosity, and love, that is what I will reap. I just hope I don't get trampled in the process.

The Rescue

Jesus was singing to me. Come back to my side. Come back to be my bride.

I've definitely been prone to wander from the God I love, but I didn't realize how far I'd fallen until I looked up and saw that I was at the bottom of the hill instead of the top.

He rescued me, and brought me back. I am still here.

United Colors

It seems as though I've always had a very colorful crowd of friends- not just literally, but in personalities, in occupations, and in life goals. My friends Quinn and Zu laughed about it saying we were like a walking "United Colors of Benetton" ad. Maybe it's that I live in a city with so many varieties of people, or maybe I'm a person of an "ethnic" heritage, so it's forced me to make friends of different styles and flavors... Yet, I know plenty of people who are considered "ethnic" but still hang out with a set demographic of people types.

I don't mean to brag on myself: Look at me! I have a diverse group of friends! But I do thank God that this is how my life has turned out. I love that my best friends in the world look nothing like me and nothing like one another. They come in all shapes and sizes, all kinds of colors, all different socioeconomic backgrounds, and yet we love one another effortlessly and without judgement.

There have been people in my past who I have aligned myself with who claim to be so diverse and open-minded, and yet when you look at the people they surround themselves with, they look the same, and talk the same-- they are all the same color, and all the same "type." They may turn up their noses, and deem us unworthy, but little do they know that we are representing the colors of Heaven.

Sick or Homesick

These past three days, I have been puking my guts out. My bosses are raging. I have been too sick to really care about the goings on at work. And I am all alone and sick.

Do you know how awful it feels to be alone and sick? I want my mom here. I want someone here to at least keep my hair from my face as I've got my head in the toilet. Friends aren't enough. I need family. I need a home.

I am homesick for a home that I do not know. What is home anymore? Is it with my parents? No. Is it in Georgia? No. Is it here in New York? I don't know. I live in an environment that is fine. It's not home, but it's not a prison either. I am comfortable here. But my heart is longing for something more. Something deeper than this. I've been so out of touch with the idea of family, and it's times like these- when I'm sick as a dog, and am utterly alone that I realize: I can't do it alone. I need someone to be a mom, or a dad, or a sister, or a brother to me.

Picking Up Pens and Paper

It's that time again! NaNoWriMo! It's Day Two and I'm not at my goal yet. Firstly, I have no idea what I am writing. It's all a bunch of blah, and it's total crap. I wish I had a solid idea, but I don't! I'm just making things up as I go along.

Ah well, maybe this year I won't win, but I'm not going to give up so easily. I'm still writing and trying to find a real story in all of this blah.

More Than Saying Sorry

I've been dealing with issues of forgiveness lately. There are still people that I harbor bitterness towards, and I need to learn to forgive if I am ever to become the woman I want to be. Is it a matter of saying, "I forgive you" ? I know there's no book of rules about forgiveness, but these negative feelings don't just go away. I don't want to be angry whenever I hear about these certain people. I don't want to rejoice at their failures nor do I want to sulk and mope when good things happen to the ones that I think don't deserve it.

I'm With You

So, it's been filled with friendship time and hangy-outty time. And then the words were finally said.

"I'm with you."

There's a definitive statement! And even if it were said that "I'm not with you," it would still be okay. But with you, is better than without you.

Sigh! I'm content.

I Can Be Alone

Dancing at discos

Eating cheese on toast

And you make me merry

Make me very very happy

But you obviously

You didn't want to stick around

So I learned from you.

I can be alone

Yeah, I can watch the sunset on my own

I can be alone

-Merry Happy; Kate Nash

Listening to Merry Happy by Kate Nash has been rather enlightening. I still have affections for the amazing man who once returned those affections, but no longer does. And it is okay. The world will keep on spinning, and I will keep on living. And yes, I still like this person, but my life is not wrapped around one individual, nor should it be. I can be alone.

Show Time

"Et de ratage en ratage, on s'habitue à ne jamais dépasser le stade du brouillon. La vie n'est que l'interminable répétition d'une représentation qui n'aura jamais lieu."

Translation: And in misfires in failures, one lives to never go beyond the draft. Life is an endless rehearsal of a performance that never plays.

-Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain

"I remember once you said lying in my bed, 'The past is dead. Everyday is a one act play without an ending.'"

-Hush Now (Stella's Tarantella); Over The Rhine

"Life's a show, and we all play a part."

-Once More With Feeling; Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Ahh, the old performance analogies. We perform in life all the time. But we don't really get a rehearsal. For some things, we do get another stab at whatever performance we were trying to give. But many times when we mess something up, it's a done deal. Permanent. You can't take back what you said or did, and no matter how hard you try to make a new outcome, you can't change the past.

It is impossible to not play back certain moments in my life, and wish I could have a do-over. Another chance to prove myself worthy. Maybe if I had had more time to rehearse, I could have reacted a different way. Maybe if I had more experience with relationships, I wouldn't have behaved the way I did. I most certainly misfired and failed, and as much as I want to change what I did, I can't.

But there is a silver lining, I suppose. Maybe this will prepare me for the next time I have a relationship, and something scares me. Maybe I won't runaway out of fear or become judgmental and make such hasty impulsive final choices. Maybe I won't treat someone with disrespect, and stalk them, and go all cling factor five hundred on them.

Well, life is still worth living, and the show must go on. And hopefully, no legs will actually get broken.

Wrestling

I am funk-tastic right now. I haven't really been sleeping or eating much. I've been wrestling with matters of the heart. I've been at war with the concept of right and wrong. I've been making a pros and cons list of what is considered good and what is considered bad, and I'm getting nowhere.

I broke up with this fantastic man, and I've been angry with God, and with myself, and with my friends, and with everything. I have been told that I am tenacious, and I've been told that I am stubborn. I've been told that it's better to bend than to be broken, and what does that all mean, anyway?

Belief in God is one thing. Trusting in Him is completely different. Do I trust Him? I don't.

I'm struggling. I'm wrestling.

All's Well That Ends Well

I have always loved happy ends. Whether it's a movie, or a book, or a play, or a musical- I like things to end well.

As I've been exploring more with stories, I realize that I could never write a story where the hero or heroine fails and doesn't accomplish the destiny that they were meant to fulfill. The just and the righteous will prevail. The wrong do-ers shall reap the consequences of the seeds that they have sown. I want all things to work together for the good of the characters in the story.

This is a truth I hold in my life. I believe that all things work together for good. I believe in fairy tales. I even believe in happily ever after.

It seems that my life is a series of stories, and many of my stories have ended happily. But ever after? Not for me. Not yet, at least. Once one story ends, another one begins, and sometimes the next story has a sad ending. The book of life isn't over 'til you're dead. And maybe even when you're dead, it might not be completely over. This waiting for the happily ever after to come can be frustrating.

There are so many obstacles that have felt like failures. But I have to keep reminding myself: it isn't the end yet. It's only the start of the plot, and without the setbacks, complications, and conflicts, the triumph is meaningless. No one wants to hear a story about a princess (who never had a wicked stepmother to complicate her life) meeting a prince (who doesn't have to fight the fiercest dragon to win her love) and them falling for one another and never having any complications and living happily ever after. It is the drama and the hardships that make the happily ever after worth while.

The once upon a time has already begun, and maybe I'm in hot mess indecisive must wait for the one who can deal with my psychosis princess mode right now, or maybe I'm the dragon fighter who is having a really tough time fighting because my mental health and my armor are wearing thin! Either way, I'm still believing in the happily ever after.

All That Is Good

There comes a time when a girl has to look up to the sky and thank her lucky stars that the four corners of the earth have lined up just right so that for a solitary moment all is well.

In love, in career, in the hopes and dreams department, everything is just right.

I have always loved the month of September, and I am looking forward to it being pretty awesome.

What I Know About Love

I was in Washington DC with my best friend Quinn, and she gave me an analogy. She made a paper heart for me.

"This is your heart before you started giving it to boys who don't know how to handle it."

And then she proceeded to rip up the heart.

"This is your heart now, and it will only get worse if you keep doing what you're doing. So stop it."

She said it with a lot more grace than the words described, but with the same Quinn logic that cannot be argued with.

On the Megabus, I watched An Education (Carey Mulligan and Peter Sarsgaard are amazing), and I couldn't help crying my little eyes out as I identified with the heart break and loss of innocence. We never learn anything if we don't take any risks, but too often we break our own hearts with our inability to heed the warning signs. When I first began venturing to find love, I wasn't really considering the hurt I would go through. What I like most about the movie is that there is redemption. She isn't powerless; she doesn't go back into the same cycle of being seduced by worldliness. She throws herself into her hopes and dreams of Oxford. And she makes it, and she is wiser when it comes to love.

Unlike me. I throw myself in front of one toxic love to the next. I don't want to be Lady GaGa. I don't want bad romances. I don't want one night stands. I want extraordinary. I want true love. I am like that Natasha Bedingfield song called I Wanna Have Your Babies. "Trust me, it would scare you" she sings. And it would, because this is what I want: I want a MAN OF GOD (Chris Rice, Don Miller, or Nick Vujicic will do), I want a ring, a wedding, and a lifetime of love that even death can't stop.

I want a man to sing to me:

"A kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder

All my riches for her smiles when I sleep so soft against her

All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter

She is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever."

I want a man to pursue me in spite of my insanity. I want a man to love me, soul and body. I want a man who will speak the heart of God to me.

Maybe I am too much and not enough. Maybe he isn't out there.

Maybe there is only one man for me, and maybe his name is Jesus.

This is the only man who has ever truly loved me, and all I know about love is what I've learned from him.

Unglamorous

I've been reading about this concept called "BIRGing and CORFing" and it's very interesting.

BIRG= Basking In Reflected Glory

CORF= Cutting Off Reflected Failure

When it comes to sports, people BIRG by wearing the winning team's jersey and bragging that their team won. They themselves didn't actually win the game. When a celebrity wins an Emmy or Music Award, the fans celebrate; they bask in the reflected glory of that celebrity.

When a sports team loses, people CORF by taking off the jersey or get very defensive if you mention the loss. When a celebrity ends up in a scandal, the fans either stop being fans or feel the need to stay quiet about their fandom. They cut off the failure reflected by that celebrity.

This post really has no flow, but as I was thinking about BIRGing and CORFing, I started to get sad, a little. How pathetic it is that I bask in other people's glories, and cut off people who I think are failures! I would like to be the type of person who celebrates others happiness, and I would like to be the type of person who embraces those who fail. Rather than cut people off who are considered losers, I would like to be a friend to the failures, and tell them that things are going to be okay.

It's okay if we're unglamorous. It's okay if we aren't famous. It's okay if we never become celebrities. We are still an awesome part of creation. We are beautiful. We are worthy of celebration. We do not have to bask in the glory of others, for we were created by The Glorious One, and we are made in His image. So something just as glorious is within us as there is in any celebrity or glamorous person.

When I fall in love...

When I fall in love, it will be for never. NEVER. EVER.

NEVER!!!!!

Okay, well, not never, but I'm waxing cynical today. As I think about the whole concept of falling for a person who is just going to end up hurting and disappointing me, I can safely say that I do not want to be in love. I'm really guarding this little door to my heart right now. It's making me mad that I see these super sweet messages on guys' walls from their girlfriends saying, "I love you so much, you're the best boyfriend ever..." blah, blah, blah, and little do these poor girls know that their boyfriends have been ringing me up, trying (and failing) to start some kind of flirty banter.

I hate being in the position of the "other woman." AND I would hate to be in the position of the ignorant lovey-dovey girl who is dating a complete slime ball. Ooo, it boils me up! It's one thing to flirt if you're free bird and got no woman to call your own, but if you've got a freaking girlfriend then make an executive decision, because you can't have your cake and eat it too. Can I get a witness?

The One Who Writes

The one who writes will win my heart.

Brilliance is what my bleeding heart begs for.

Those unnumbered, unencumbered

words are what

I am waiting for.

Words will woo me.

Intellectual stimulus

is what will

instantly supply

necessary nourishment

to my hungry heart.

Jotting Down

I have been trying to find more outlets to express the thoughts that whirl around up in this strange brain of mine. Through poetry, writing, music. I have about five hundred stories mulling through my head right at this moment. Some of them are kitty stories, some of them are heartbreak stories, some of them are fairy tales, others are just mundane thoughts that run through my head.

I worry that maybe I haven't been listening to enough of what God is trying to say to me, but I know that it is crucial for me to keep my ears open. I've been listening to more Sondre Lerche than God, to be quite honest with you. But perhaps I can hear what God is saying to me through the mouths of the different artists. God speaks through art, and creation is a way to commune with Him. So perhaps by keeping open, I am hearing God after all.

I've been trying to read more. More of the Bible, more Madeleine L'engle, more children's and young adult lit, more of my friend's stories, more poems, more story people. I don't want my mind to go dead. I want to be a great reading machine.

I want to take in so that I can put it out. I want it to roll around the mud in mind and plant thoughts that will take root and go from my brain and hit my heart. I want my heart to hear it, to feel it, to experience it all.

I just want to jot down. All of it, at a million miles an hour.

I have wept all this while,

and yea,

I will weep a while longer

Because I am selfish and I wallow

And I drown myself in my sell fish sorrows

I fear that I will never fall in love

And I know that your love should be enough

I know it

And yet I don't know it

There is no formula

Only your timing is right

But some receive it easily

And some are left standing alone at an altar all their lives

Can I trust you to say

Ok

It is OKAY

I will be okay

Whatever be your will

Whatever you may will

Whatever will that may be

Even if I am the only one left

I trust you

Even if I end up

Without the life

I had wanted

For

my

self

Rightly Directing Desires

The desire for beauty, for affirmation, and for pleasure are ingrained in our human nature, but when I go seeking them from every source but the presence of God, it will lead to my ruin. It will give me temporary satisfaction, but at the end of the day, I will be empty and alone. I have been ruined by the world. I have been empty and alone. I've been dying, and only now have I begun to feel the pain and remorse that I had been numb to for so long. I have broken my heart. I have broken the heart of God. And it hurts.

Search my heart, God

Know my thoughts

Create in me something clean

Renew a right spirit within me

Rightly direct my desires. Let me receive the beauty, the affirmation, and absolute pleasure from you. If you asked me what I desire, I would like my answer to be more of you. I don't want to fake this thing, God. I don't want to be a slave to my human nature. I want to go beyond the limits of the natural and begin to fly into the supernatural. I want to live in the 100 proof presence of you. I want to float. I want to walk on the water. I want to play games of faith. I want to ascend and descend. I want to laugh and dance with angels. Let's go there. Please, take me there.

Trivial Pursuits

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT AM I DOING?

Chase. Catch. Capture. Pursue.

Impatience pounds, pulses.

Let it go and let God.

Hitting ground, running,

Spinning, dizzy circles, racing.

Chasing, chasing, chasing.

Hear the beat of a hunting drum.

Parum pa pum, pa pum, pa pum.

I come and go, I go and come,

And humm, mmm, mmm,

The hum of go get it tune

And get knocked about for the pursuit.

Wait, they say, for the right time.

When is the right time I ask.

You'll know when it's right,

But are they right?

When left is right and right is left

And you are left

Standing

A Lone.

Playing a game of

Trivial Pursuit.

Do Not Pass Me By

Quinn and I were in discussion about destiny last night, and there are two different destinies... well, generically speaking. There's a destiny which encompasses the life path of a career/job/what you're going to do with your time on earth, and then there's a separate destiny between you and God: who you essentially are, the marriage between spirit and flesh, the ultimate spiritual calling.

I don't want to miss out on either one. There is a me that no one can recognize, and I don't want to miss my chance to be her.

Under Construction

As I've been really delving into Madeleine L'engle, and listening to John Crowder, and hearing about quantum physics, I have been in this very spiritual cocoon. And I like it. I have been Daniel Fasting, and changing my eating habits, and it's been really clearing my mind from confusion and chaos.

After spending time with Quinn, Ashley, Erica, and my family, it's like I'm a different Annie. I feel like I've found my stripes. I am finally out of the starving dog phase, and I am a Zebra now. I've been connecting with all of the people at New York Dream Center, and I've been connecting with all of my friends around the city. I am blooming and growing.

I am still under construction. I am not yet the spirit woman inside. If I spend time in intimacy with the living God, then I will be more like Him. But I just have to be honest and say that there are a lot of areas in my life, where I am still a fumbling mess of a human being. I fight giving control over to the only one who can steer my life through rough waters. My interactions with people are mud puddles. I don't know how to explain this analogy, so I won't. You'll just have to gather what I mean from the context.

I know that I am always under construction, but these days, I try to help out, but end up hammering a few nails in the wrong places. Yeshua was a carpenter, so he knows what he's doing! He knows exactly what I need to be, and he will build it, if I will bend.

A Dream (Theater) Come True

I am going to brag for a little minute. God has been doing such awesome things in my life lately and I can't even comprehend why.

Okay, first of all, on my very first day back to the city, I walk into Starbucks on 70th and Broadway, and who should be working there, but my friend who I worked with at Columbus Circle. She happened to be the manager, and she hired me on the spot.

Second of all, the first Dream Theater show that I ever got to see was a FULL OUT ROCK SHOW. They've been touring with Iron Maiden, and have been the opening act, so they really don't get to do their epic pieces. However, the show I went to in Worcester was EPICALLY AMAZING. To top that, two days later, I saw Dream Theater again, and my friend Zack just happens to be cousins with Mike Portnoy (the drummer of DT). SO I GOT TO MEET THEM. Well, three out of five, two of them left early, but still, that's pretty darn awesome.

So, all in all, I have to say that I've had a few dreams come true this week, and God is good.

All You Need Is Love

The south has been good for me, body and soul. I've spent time with my family: mom,dad, sis, bro, baby, kitty, and my aunties-- which has been great! But even greater, is hanging out in Atlanta with my closer than family, kindred spirits minus Nicole: Quinn, Ashley, Erica. Inaddition to that, I've been able to see all of my old Woodstock/Kennesaw area friends minus the Barbiers: Eric, Sabrina, Tommy, and the Collins boys.

New York City is wonderful, but nothing can beat the unearned, unconditional, unbridled love that pours out from the south. I am truly at home down south, and it isn't because of location, it's love that makes difference. I'm not saying that I am unloved in the city, I

certainly love my friends, and I know that they love me, but the level of conditions are always there. In the city, I battle with insecurity and with feelings of incompetence on a minutely basis. Down here, I can just... be. I don't have to battle or try or strive.

Here and Now

There is no day but today. Yes, I am quoting RENT the musical. I cannot live in the failures or in the victories of my past. I must live presently. At present I am in Atlanta with my best friend in this whole wide world, Quinn. There will be time for regrets later, but right now, I am going to enjoy every moment. I am going to soak up the sunshine, and the rain, and the coconut oil, and I'm going to live today. Maybe I'll make a few mistakes, or maybe I won't. I don't need to worry about it now, I'll handle it when I get there.

Je Suis Stupide

Moments of insecurity are inevitable, and right now, I certainly feel like an idiot. I feel like I'm not as intelligent as I want to be. I'm not as poised and grown up as I'd like to be. The way I speak, the way I think, the way I look, the way I dress, the way I act in social situations... they aren't like my favorite heroine, Elizabeth Bennet. I'm more like Lydia or Kitty. I feel as childish as I did when I was twelve years old obsessing over Hanson and fangirl-ing over Newsies (the Disney movie musical).

Lately, I've been reading J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye, and I know it's supposed to be some great work of literature, but maybe I'm just shallow phony because I don't like it at all. I think Holden Caufield is a spoiled, over-privileged, whiney do-nothing who has too much money and too much time to do absolutely nothing. I know that some people think it's brilliant, and so real, and it's the struggle of the modern young man, but I'd rather read Andy Griffith's The Day My Butt Went Psycho.

This book is about a boy whose butt runs away from him and decides to take over the world, and the boy has to team up with the A-Team of Butt Catchers and Butt Hunters to catch his butt and keep it World Butt Domination. Very different from any of the struggles that Holden Caufield goes through.

I'm not smart enough. I'm not deep enough. I'm not serious enough. I don't think enough. I should spend at least an hour a day doing algebra and reading philosophy. I should devote myself to spend at least two hours a day thinking about world politics.

There is a deeper side to me, there really is... I think it's just a little shy sometimes.

Resurrection

I was sure that I was dying. My insides were exploding, my bones were being crushed, and I was burning alive.

I hit a moment of delusion where I thought I was becoming a star and being sent to the heavens. Inside of me was an unending song, "God Save Me!" "You are Lord of All!" "If I should die here, I will die proclaiming Your name!" I was shouting it with all that I had within me, and I frightened everyone with my "crazy" shouting. I was praying in tongues loud and I abandoned all inhibitions. Everyone thought I was a lunatic.

The pain didn't matter anymore. The world itself didn't matter anymore. My dignity and pride didn't matter. All that mattered was the Creator of the Universe. If I ever made it out of the nightmare, it would be impossible for me to go back to normal life again.

I am a much different woman now. I am still human, and I still make my stupid mistakes, but after what happened, after almost dying... I know that God is giving me a second chance. Maybe a third chance. Maybe this is the seventh chance...

I only know this: He is the only one that matters to me now, and I will walk with Him and live for Him.

Every New Day

Every new day is an opportunity to make something new and to change one's self. I don't want to be complacent or stagnant. I want to be a living, breathing, creation that will bring glory and joy to the world. Despite my failures, despite my selfishness, despite the areas where I am weak, I will continue to thank God for all of the blessings He has provided me with.

It's so easy to be human, to complain, to submit to the world's desires, to allow things to be all about me, myself, and I... But I don't want to be that girl. That girl can sit in a corner all alone and cry herself to sleep, for all I care. The woman that I want to be is loving, helpful, is slow to anger and thinks before she speaks. She knows who she is, and she does not worry about the future because she is secure in the plans that God has for her.

So Ya Had a Bad Day?

I kinda hate that song, but I've definitely had a challenging day. I won't go into details because I'm too much of a wimp to come face to face with my negligence and stupidity. I just want to run away from it all. I wish I had just one suitcase One little suitcase so I wouldn't have to accumulate so much JUNK.

I like a boy, but I think his passion for me has died. I know that I should probably not be involved with these kind of men, and I should be waiting for my William Wallace. Where have all the decent men gone????

Burned

When will I learn to not play with fire? I always get burned, and yet, I do this to myself. Okay, God, PLEASE HELP ME TO BE SMART!!!!!!! Help me to learn from my mistakes. Help me to just say no to matches. I do not want to be this girl. I want to be the Bride, not the dummy. I want to be the girl who don't need a lot of money because she can sleep on the beach, catching oceans within reach, whatever private ocean we can conjure up for free. I want to stumble there with you and I want you to be laughing close with me, etc. whatever. I Guess all I really mean is that I WANT TO BE ALRIGHT. I WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES TONIGHT. I WANT TO BE ALRIGHT.

Lord, help me to be good and great and fine.

Sweet as Cotton Candy

It's easy to say, "God Loves You." Of course He does, yeah, yeah, we all know that. I discovered He not only loves me, but He is IN LOVE with me. He showed me lots of things the other day. There have been words that have cursed me: unfeminine, fat, ugly, too short, and not white. They have been tormenting me and keeping me bound up, and you know what He showed me?

He gave me an 8mm film reel of myself as a child running around my old back yard, picking flowers and running around happily. I had a little tiara on my head and was holding a magic wand. He showed the little girl version of myself growing up into a Bride.

Then the film ended and I was on a beach with Yeshua, and I was under a chupah, and Yeshua was saying his vows to me, and He put a ring on my finger, and He gave me the nicest kiss I've ever gotten.

Then He gave me a picture of a big, red dragon breathing fire and burning up the words, and not only that, but the dragon turned to me, winked, and blew a smoke ring at me in the shape of a heart. I felt the actual warmth of the smoke against my skin, and I smelled it too. It baptized me in a brand new love.

Where the old words had existed, He gave me new words. Lovely. Beautiful. Sweet as Cotton Candy! He planted white daisies and washed me with purity.

He showed me a tree which was surrounded by enemies and unclean spirits, and He caught them with a net and burned them in an incinerator which made them blow up and turn to glitter. Then He had me plant pencils into the ground, and where each pencil was planted, bouquets of pencils sprung. He told me that the tree was where I needed to be and to He told me that He had given me the pencils to use my words to climb the tree. He showed me a picture of me as a little girl, up in the tree, writing stories.

It's amazing how well He knows my heart, and how He knows the right way to speak to me. He's my one and only.

Joyful, Joyful

2010 has been a rough year so far, but right now, I'm in a season of thanksgiving and joy. Or maybe it's the endorphins from exercise. I recently launched my website www.anniesuekim.com and as I've been building it, I've been counting blessings and realizing there is so much for me to thankful and joyful for. God gave me talent. Maybe not as much talent as some, but I have tried my best to invest and do something with the talents I've been given. And now I am working in an industry that I love, and the job that I have at the moment, I love. I have fulfilled the prophecy that I was meant to fulfill. Now what's next, God? Keep me on my toes!

God gave me a gift to really love kids and love young people, and this keeps me very joyful. I think I'm ready to invest in that talent now. Sometimes people try to peg me as immature. I think it's because I'm young at heart. But I've grown to understand that being child-like is different than being childish. Yes, I have a very exuberant and eccentric personality, which is good because that's what got me this job... but a lot of that exuberance comes from the joy that has always been there.

I know a couple of no-class fools who other people see and esteem them as mature and knowledgeable, and yet they have no wisdom when it comes to matters of the heart. They are cold and life-less. I tell you, they don't know what they're missing. This joy that I feel is more than mere happiness. It's something that permeates throughout my life, throughout my soul. I'm punch drunk on the joy.

Blessing The Cursers

So about a week ago, I allowed myself to love and forgive Colby, despite his horribleness to me. It wasn't easy, but I've been reading a lot of 1 Corinthians lately, especially the love verse. So I wrote a letter to him, saying that I would walk in the ways of the Lord, and I would love the way Christ does.

Colby came over and I prayed a blessing over him and his future. I will not involve myself romantically with him. So far, I've been doing very well, but I suppose that the distance of my traveling definitely helps. I try to keep conversations with him at fifteen minutes or less, and I don't talk about the past, and when he begins to talk about the past, I veer the conversation in a different direction as to avoid bitterness from rooting itself into me.

This is not easy, but I knew that when I was refusing to speak to him, it was hardening my heart, and I don't want to become a cold blooded lady. I will love, and I will love my enemies. I will bless those who curse me, and I will pray for the ones who have hated me and mistreated me.

The Party Girl

I've become quite the party girl lately. I've been hanging out at the bars, being with dear old friends, meeting new people, dancing, having fun, and living life. I can see why so many people find fulfillment in this kind of lifestyle. But you know, there is more out there than just another party...

While I am a firm believer in having a good time, I don't want to confuse having fun with hedonism. There's more to life than just parties and fun, right? There's community, there's fellowship, and I think that's what this is really all about. We're all out here, trying to meet people, trying to be social, trying to make connections because that's the way we are designed. No one is supposed to be alone.

Even God is not one being alone out in this universe. It's a triumvirate of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. They said, "Let US" create the world and every thing in it in six days. "Let US" rest on the seventh and marvel at the beauty of creation. So if God is not alone, and if God was wanting to chill out, it means that we should do the same, right?

That's not saying we don't need time away from others every so often, but ever since coming out of the isolation of the tour, I've been extremely needy. I don't want to spend one waking moment alone. I don't need anymore alone time, I need to be out and about again, and I want and need to be with people that I love for as much time as humanly possible.

Maybe it seems as though I'm justifying my party girl ways, but my heart is a lonely hunter and she needs to find a family and a community.

Just Let Go

Let it be to me according to Your Word

Your ways are higher than mine

Well, I finally got the courage to ex-communicate my ex-boyfriend. I've decided to take my sister's advice (finally) since she was right about him from the git-go. With the passing of my birthday, I felt it was necessary to make some changes. Contact with Colby was one of them. I just can't heal and recover when I'm in constant contact with him until my soul is fully restored. I'm trying to heal my best, but the last thing I need is to pick off my scabs and watch them bleed, and honestly, that is what it is like every time I talk to Colby and especially when I see him. I wish I didn't invest myself so much into the ones I love, especially when they break my heart. Most of the time I can forgive and move on, but this is something different.

Romantic love is different. Boyfriends are different than friends and I'm sure that one day I will be able to be his friend and call him once in a while and hang out with him, but for right now, it hurts and it makes me go insane.

It's difficult to not call him. It's painful to be alone. But I know that if I throw myself into God's arm, if I lay down at Jesus' feet, and let it all go, He will heal me. I need love, power, and a sound mind, and that is what He will give me.

All I wanna do is lose myself in You

Lean back in Your Love

And Just Let Go

Why do we settle?

I've been thinking a lot and looking back and over analyzing everything- not just in my circumstances, but in the lives of others as well, and I noticed such an alarming thing. We settle for less than what we are worth. Yeah, I know that I often say that I'm a dirt bag and undeserving of the love that God has given me, but there comes a point when you have to separate humility from the value that God has placed on you. And He bought us for a pretty little price- um, like He kinda gave up His entire life and thought that it was worth it to suffer humiliation and death just to have us be called His kids, so obviously we are worth a lot to Him.

This being said, yeah, we're pond scum, but we are worth a lot to God, the creator of the universe, so why do we settle for less than what we're worth? I say this with all due respect to my ex-boyfriend, but he was seriously my intellectual/emotional/spiritual/mental-health/cultural/grammatically correct/pretty much everything except maybe my musical/mathematical inferior. And I put up with it because I thought that maybe if he were with me that God would change him into the ideal man. I was so blinded by my own loneliness and need for attention and affection that I overlooked his ineptness. I ignored and enabled his behavior when he was being ignorant and selfish because I didn't want to offend him because I didn't want to lose him. But why was I holding onto him in the first place? Why did I settle for so much less than a godly, exquisite man?

Because I doubted God. I doubted God's goodness. I doubted that God would provide the right man at the right time, and I felt a void and a deficit that needed to be fulfilled right then and there, and hey, this guy seems to like me and wants me to be his girlfriend, so why not? I can change him, and God will change him if he's with me. Wow, what kind of logic was I coming up with? If he wasn't right for me already, then why did I expect God to change him as soon as he was with me? My own pride in my abilities to change him took precedence over God's will for his life, and now I am licking my wounds from my follies.

Thank heaven for redemption. Thank God for forgiveness and mercy. Thanks be to Yeshua that I did not give myself away to this undeserving, incompetent man! I am a lucky girl! No, I take that back: I am protected by the shield of angels and it is nothing short of miraculous that I have suffered very little damages to my purity and my passion for the Lord.

Thank you, Abba Father. Help me not to settle ever again!!!

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

I'm minutes away from being 26 years old, and for some reason, I feel so sad. I want to be with Quinn and Ashley. I want my sister here to celebrate our birthdays together (hers is four days before mine) and be with my parents and have chicken wings and Korean food. I want to see baby Mar-Mar and hug her and squeeze her, and I want Sophie here to warm my lap and cuddle with at night. I miss feeling at home.

I'm not trying to throw a pity party here. I am so grateful to have friends in the city to celebrate with, but I am so homesick right now for the ones who are closest to my heart. I miss them fiercely, and am trying my best to make it through.

Okay, enough of being sad. I am going to laugh now, and I am going to live my life fully and I will not cry unless it is tears of joy. Twenty six, be my year of jubilee!

Bosom Friend

I have been the luckiest girl in the world because I am able to say that my best friend is one of the most beautiful persons to have ever existed. I thank God everyday for my best friend Quinn, and I can't imagine how much my life would suck without her. She is patient, kind, loving, understanding, beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, fabulous, life giving, and so much more than just that. Sometimes I take my friendship with her for granted, but then there are moments where my eyes are completely open, and I just marvel at how much I have been blessed to have such an extraordinary woman who considers me her best friend as well.

I love this girl so much!!! Wow, I don't know why God chose to bestow this gift of friendship to a terrible person like me, but I receive this present with the openest of arms!

Really Only Been Looking For You

I recently learned about an awesome group called The Arrows through YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSygzZHZakQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmBZw1knSxk

They are truly too cool for school. I recently got their EP and album off of iTunes, and I love their song writing. And I wish I could borrow a couple of outfits from their wardrobes. They use a melodica in a couple of their songs, and I really want one... even though I know it'll be like every other instrument I've gotten, where I get obsessed with it for a second, and then I never pick it up again, or I'll pick it up again for a little bit, then move on to some other cool new instrument.

I like having various instruments at hand, even if I don't play them well or play them at all. I know that sounds wasteful, but I think the reason why I like to have them is because music is a big part of my life. There's a song in my heart, and I suppose I feel that even if I do play badly, G-d sees it as worship and using what He's given me. Other than greed, I can't think of why I would want to hoard instruments, but maybe He's given me a heart of worship. Or maybe I just really want to find Him, and find new ways to praise Him.

For The Beauty of the Earth

Today, I took a walk, hoping to find a church that had a Wednesday night service, and I passed several churches, but none of them had services. I was disappointed. I started to cry a little bit. Then G-d said to me, "You won't find me in a church. Just keep walking. Walk with me because this is where you'll find me."

And then right before my eyes was the most incredible sunset. Not this one pictured, but it was beautiful, and I felt my soul praising the Lord for such beauty. And then he began to show me the trees. He reminded me that at this moment the trees are barren, but soon the season will be changing, and they will come to life; they will bloom and grow, and they will be beautiful. And he said to me, "You are barren at this moment, but I am changing the season, and you will come to life; you will bloom and grow, and you will be beautiful."

I kept walking, until I was met by a library. I began reading a new book by one of my favorite authors Gail Carson Levine, and I felt like a kid again. I felt at home. I felt like it was time to start writing stories again. Not just for NaNoWriMo, but for myself. I do not know what G-d has in store for me next, but my future is in his hands, and I am glad that seasons change.

Jealousy

The Bible says that the Gentiles will be grafted into the same tree of Judaism, but it feels like I am missing out on being able to embrace the fullness of G-d because I am not a part of Abraham's lineage. I've been reading through a copy of the Haggadah that I have (thanks to the Braunstein family), and I love the beauty of the Passover Seder, and I wish that I could take part in it without needing an invitation from a Jewish family.

I think one of the many reasons why I fell in love with Colby is because I wanted a closer connection to the G-d of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. I want to be a part of the rich traditons. I want to celebrate the same holidays that Jesus- Yeshua would have celebrated. I want to have a complete understanding of the Lord of all creation, and I want to follow the commandments that he laid out. I want to follow the commands that Yeshua followed. I want to be a part of the ones who were originally chosen.

I know that the promises are still accessible to me, and I know that the intimacy that I have with my Lord is greater than a lot of people who are part of the original chosen, but I am still jealous.

Oh yeah, life goes on...

In the show, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, Fudge eats Peter's turtle and Peter is left to deal with it. It's a sad happening in Peter's childhood, but life goes on, and Judy Blume went on to write a bunch of other books with Peter and Fudge in it.

Well, the turn of events have been very unique, and I am handling things better I thought I would. I've been really getting my prayer on, and oh my, the Lord has been revealing a lot of things to me- about myself, about the relationship I had with Colby, about my time in New York City, and how life goes on regardless of tragedy.

But you know what? It wasn't a tragedy after all. It was a blessing. G-d has been showing me how many things I ignored and overlooked while I was in the relationship... he's been pointing out why things wouldn't have worked out if we had been contemplating marriage, and I am grateful that the Lord let me run into his arms and that he held me there until I was strong enough to stand without using him as my crutch. The Lord was kind to give me a wound that will heal without much scarring.

Life goes on, and I am healing very well, if I do say so myself.

I am a Zebra

Well, I am still healing from the break up, and very thankful that when I am devastated, I can throw myself onto Jesus and cling on for dear life until I can walk again.

I believe that I am transitioning. G-d showed me a starving anorexic looking dog, under a table. Then, the dog's legs began to grow out, and suddenly it transformed to a zebra in the savannah. In Matthew 15:21-28, there was a gentile woman following Jesus and crying out to him to save her daughter from death.

²⁴He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel."

²⁵The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said.

²⁶He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

²⁷"Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."

²⁸Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

-------

I believe that the Lord was showing me that the season that I have been in while in NYC has been one of the starved dog, desperate for crumbs. But now, the season is changing for me, Jesus is going to grant me the grace to transform into a Zebra.

Zebras are social animals. They are not domesticated animals- wild and untamed. They have very heightened senses- smell, taste, vision, hearing. They are very adaptable when it comes to foraging and finding food. They're digestive systems allow them to live and be strong even on foliage with low nutritional value. The stripes of the zebra allow them to be unseen by predators in their environments, which help them to blend in with the atmosphere.

I believe that the Lord is going to be moving me into a season where I will be finding my spiritual senses. That he is giving me eyes to see and ears to hear. I believe that I will be able to get strong and be fed, even by the smallest unlikely nuggets of wisdom and teaching. And I believe that I will be well hidden from the attacks of the enemy. I also believe that I will be able to go into many different environments and still be able to blend in and be safe.

I am a ZEBRA. I am a ZEBRA. This is my mantra. I am a ZEBRA!

Back to Life

I think that I've been dead for a good majority of my time in New York City. Not at the beginning, and there have been some times where I've felt very alive, but I've been mostly dead.

Dear G-d,

Please bring me back to life. Rescue me from the death trap that I've built for myself. I know I don't deserve your grace or mercy, but I will cry out for it. I know that you hear me and that even if I am a dog, you will give me some scraps. I want to be found in you again. Please come and be my hero.

Love,

Annie

Much To Everyone Else's Happiness

Colby and I are no longer an item. I won't go into the details of why we broke up, but I am very doubtful that we will end up together. We are still talking, which is good. It's my first real break up, and it hurts a lot more than I imagined, but I must say that I am taking it better than I thought I would. We still talk to each other on the phone and over video chat, and I think that we will be friends, despite our differences.

The tour has been very good lately. I've been getting along with everyone very well, and it has helped me feel more confident and positive.

I've learned a lot, in these past six months of exploring life outside of the comfortable bubble of my conservative breeding, and though there may be nay sayers who would look down upon my actions, I feel as though G-d has really been with me through the ups and downs, and has allowed me the freedom to experience new things. Falling is not the same as failing, and maybe I am sadder, but I am also wiser.

The Jew and The Gentile

I know I should have thought about things while we were still dating, but I didn't think things would get serious so soon. Colby's talking about marriage and kids, and asking me how I would feel if I were to have children raised in the Jewish faith. I know it goes against a lot of what I have been taught about unequal yoking and everything, but I wonder how unequal are we?

It's too early to talk about marriage. I don't plan on getting married for another three or four years. The year 2014 is a good year to me, and who knows what could happen between me and Colby. I love him, yes, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to get married. I mean, maybe he'll get tired of being a gentleman and waiting to have sex until marriage, and he'll go off and find a girl who will give it up. Who knows what may happen in the next four years?

It seems stupid to end a good relationship based on what may or may not happen in our future... but at the same time, I know that what happens now determines what will happen in the future. Say for example, will I miss my non-existent chance with Chris Rice by being with Colby?

Too much thought for the morning. Must pack my suitcase now. Goodbye Nashville, Hello Chicago.

Losing Hope Is Easy, Losing Weight is Hard

As an actress it's easy to look around at the successful women in the media in this day and age, and it doesn't take long to notice that, I am not a size zero like the majority. I know that it's common for a human being to feel that they aren't good enough, and I am no exception. I dislike being "overweight," but I also dislike abstaining from foods that I particularly like.

Why does Krispy Kreme have to taste so delightful? And why is a meal of steak and potatoes so much more fulfilling than a salad? I've been trying to frequent the gym or do laps in the pools at the hotels, but overall, I'm finding that I'm still a chubby gal, and while I know what I shouldn't eat, I don't always know what I should eat. I've currently been doing the Acai berry supplements and taking L-Lysine, which I don't know if either one does anything, but maybe if I am psychologically convinced that I'm healthier, my body will start shedding unnecessary pounds. At least, I can hope for that much...

The Fall

I'm an extremely lucky person despite the negative circumstances that I may end up in. I wonder why The Father lifts me up and reinvents new ways to redeem me when I don't deserve it. I am a slave to my sins. I ask for forgiveness, and afterwards, I let the cares of the world overpower me and influence me. I let the world enter into my heart, and I'm sinking down.

This tour has been tough. This whole season in New York has been a trial of me failing and discovering how base and sinful I am. It was there in me the whole time, and as soon as I left the constrains of what is right and good, I fell farther and farther. I am still falling.

Don't let me die, God. Don't let me fall away from you. Please catch me and save me.