Do Not Pass Me By

Quinn and I were in discussion about destiny last night, and there are two different destinies... well, generically speaking. There's a destiny which encompasses the life path of a career/job/what you're going to do with your time on earth, and then there's a separate destiny between you and God: who you essentially are, the marriage between spirit and flesh, the ultimate spiritual calling.

I don't want to miss out on either one. There is a me that no one can recognize, and I don't want to miss my chance to be her.

Under Construction

As I've been really delving into Madeleine L'engle, and listening to John Crowder, and hearing about quantum physics, I have been in this very spiritual cocoon. And I like it. I have been Daniel Fasting, and changing my eating habits, and it's been really clearing my mind from confusion and chaos.

After spending time with Quinn, Ashley, Erica, and my family, it's like I'm a different Annie. I feel like I've found my stripes. I am finally out of the starving dog phase, and I am a Zebra now. I've been connecting with all of the people at New York Dream Center, and I've been connecting with all of my friends around the city. I am blooming and growing.

I am still under construction. I am not yet the spirit woman inside. If I spend time in intimacy with the living God, then I will be more like Him. But I just have to be honest and say that there are a lot of areas in my life, where I am still a fumbling mess of a human being. I fight giving control over to the only one who can steer my life through rough waters. My interactions with people are mud puddles. I don't know how to explain this analogy, so I won't. You'll just have to gather what I mean from the context.

I know that I am always under construction, but these days, I try to help out, but end up hammering a few nails in the wrong places. Yeshua was a carpenter, so he knows what he's doing! He knows exactly what I need to be, and he will build it, if I will bend.

A Dream (Theater) Come True

I am going to brag for a little minute. God has been doing such awesome things in my life lately and I can't even comprehend why.

Okay, first of all, on my very first day back to the city, I walk into Starbucks on 70th and Broadway, and who should be working there, but my friend who I worked with at Columbus Circle. She happened to be the manager, and she hired me on the spot.

Second of all, the first Dream Theater show that I ever got to see was a FULL OUT ROCK SHOW. They've been touring with Iron Maiden, and have been the opening act, so they really don't get to do their epic pieces. However, the show I went to in Worcester was EPICALLY AMAZING. To top that, two days later, I saw Dream Theater again, and my friend Zack just happens to be cousins with Mike Portnoy (the drummer of DT). SO I GOT TO MEET THEM. Well, three out of five, two of them left early, but still, that's pretty darn awesome.

So, all in all, I have to say that I've had a few dreams come true this week, and God is good.

All You Need Is Love

The south has been good for me, body and soul. I've spent time with my family: mom,dad, sis, bro, baby, kitty, and my aunties-- which has been great! But even greater, is hanging out in Atlanta with my closer than family, kindred spirits minus Nicole: Quinn, Ashley, Erica. Inaddition to that, I've been able to see all of my old Woodstock/Kennesaw area friends minus the Barbiers: Eric, Sabrina, Tommy, and the Collins boys.

New York City is wonderful, but nothing can beat the unearned, unconditional, unbridled love that pours out from the south. I am truly at home down south, and it isn't because of location, it's love that makes difference. I'm not saying that I am unloved in the city, I

certainly love my friends, and I know that they love me, but the level of conditions are always there. In the city, I battle with insecurity and with feelings of incompetence on a minutely basis. Down here, I can just... be. I don't have to battle or try or strive.

Here and Now

There is no day but today. Yes, I am quoting RENT the musical. I cannot live in the failures or in the victories of my past. I must live presently. At present I am in Atlanta with my best friend in this whole wide world, Quinn. There will be time for regrets later, but right now, I am going to enjoy every moment. I am going to soak up the sunshine, and the rain, and the coconut oil, and I'm going to live today. Maybe I'll make a few mistakes, or maybe I won't. I don't need to worry about it now, I'll handle it when I get there.

Je Suis Stupide

Moments of insecurity are inevitable, and right now, I certainly feel like an idiot. I feel like I'm not as intelligent as I want to be. I'm not as poised and grown up as I'd like to be. The way I speak, the way I think, the way I look, the way I dress, the way I act in social situations... they aren't like my favorite heroine, Elizabeth Bennet. I'm more like Lydia or Kitty. I feel as childish as I did when I was twelve years old obsessing over Hanson and fangirl-ing over Newsies (the Disney movie musical).

Lately, I've been reading J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye, and I know it's supposed to be some great work of literature, but maybe I'm just shallow phony because I don't like it at all. I think Holden Caufield is a spoiled, over-privileged, whiney do-nothing who has too much money and too much time to do absolutely nothing. I know that some people think it's brilliant, and so real, and it's the struggle of the modern young man, but I'd rather read Andy Griffith's The Day My Butt Went Psycho.

This book is about a boy whose butt runs away from him and decides to take over the world, and the boy has to team up with the A-Team of Butt Catchers and Butt Hunters to catch his butt and keep it World Butt Domination. Very different from any of the struggles that Holden Caufield goes through.

I'm not smart enough. I'm not deep enough. I'm not serious enough. I don't think enough. I should spend at least an hour a day doing algebra and reading philosophy. I should devote myself to spend at least two hours a day thinking about world politics.

There is a deeper side to me, there really is... I think it's just a little shy sometimes.

Resurrection

I was sure that I was dying. My insides were exploding, my bones were being crushed, and I was burning alive.

I hit a moment of delusion where I thought I was becoming a star and being sent to the heavens. Inside of me was an unending song, "God Save Me!" "You are Lord of All!" "If I should die here, I will die proclaiming Your name!" I was shouting it with all that I had within me, and I frightened everyone with my "crazy" shouting. I was praying in tongues loud and I abandoned all inhibitions. Everyone thought I was a lunatic.

The pain didn't matter anymore. The world itself didn't matter anymore. My dignity and pride didn't matter. All that mattered was the Creator of the Universe. If I ever made it out of the nightmare, it would be impossible for me to go back to normal life again.

I am a much different woman now. I am still human, and I still make my stupid mistakes, but after what happened, after almost dying... I know that God is giving me a second chance. Maybe a third chance. Maybe this is the seventh chance...

I only know this: He is the only one that matters to me now, and I will walk with Him and live for Him.