Trauma and Insight

A little bit after my daddy died, I was going through grief sharing. I was also meeting up with a friend who is a counselor, and it was mentioned in both places that people who go through trauma have basically had their "worldview" or sense of self ripped apart, and are left to rebuild themselves.

It's interesting because the actor side of myself seemed to have been lost in the trauma. There are moments where I miss acting, but for the most part, I'm simply not inclined to pursue it. I'm rebuilding and acting hasn't been entirely rebuilt yet. Maybe it will one day when I least expect it.

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Jill Bolte Taylor's talks, and her book My Stroke of Insight has been added to my new year's reading list. While having a stroke, the left hemisphere of her brain was essentially erased, and she had to start all over again from scratch. She also talks about changing the circuits of one's mind, and rebuilding new thoughts- positive thoughts, and not feeding old, negative thoughts. Letting go of negative thoughts and people. Not even giving power to thoughts of them because they are not important.

It reminds me of a verse in 2 Corinthians 10- taking captive every thought and bringing it into obedience. I can control the things that I think. I can control the emotions that certain thoughts feed by taking those awful thoughts, and tossing them away. Jill Bolte Taylor says that it takes 91 seconds to go from angry to calm. Most people stay angry, but I don't want to live like that. I've received too much love in my life to let my joy get stolen by errant thoughts. So when anger and ugly thoughts and ugly people come my way, homie won't play that. 91 seconds. I'm not the same person that I was yesterday. I am beginning to rebuild. New year, new me.

Getting Colder

The sudden arrival of winter came today. I got a few things accomplished such as sending my student loan payment in, visiting my dad's grave, and going to work early.

After which, me and the bear went to see some Joyful Noise.

The weather is so cold right now. It chills me.

Then Again

For a while, I was content with being in the south and the suburbs. While I am enjoying the lovely weather and the man of my dreams, the location is becoming less than ideal. I miss New York City. I don't miss the financial struggles or the smell of garbage, but I miss the traffic, the hot dog stands, I miss the people, the diversity, the art, the lights... on the other hand, I am glad to be away from it.

And I want a change. I long to be on a real island, Hawaii. I long to be surrounded by water, Asians and Pacific Islanders, and sunshine and warm rains. I want to hula and surf and swim and SCUBA, and sing and play ukulele. Ah, well.

New Year

There is a world where my father is alive, and my mother feels worry free and completely secure. There is a world where there are no tears shed. There is a world where doing good to others comes naturally to us.

That is not this world.

But.

It's a new year. And my father is gone, and I and my mother keep one another company. And there is a man who loves me whole heartedly, and I love him more and more every day. And this new year may not bring any resolutions, but perhaps there will be lessons to be learned and life to live.

Consumer

Stuff and money. We humans are wired to greed. We want riches. We don't necessarily need it, but we want it. Why?

I don't want to gain all the riches of the world and lose my soul.

Dear God,

Help me to slay the greedy selfish parts of me. Help me to be content with my entire situation. Help me to remember the things that really matter. Family, friends, the love that has kept me going. Help me Lord to create instead of consume.

Good News for the Modern Me

What does Christmas mean to me? Is it really about Jesus' birth to me? It's easy to think that it's about receiving presents, or what to buy for him or her. It's easy to think that it's about giving, but why is it about giving? Why is it about peace on earth and goodwill towards all people?

Who is this Jesus and what does he have to do with me?

Jesus was born to be a savior. His birth was the beginning of a revolution of love. I forget that. Christmas is about the life of a baby who would bring hope to me. According to my human nature, I am destined for failure, destined to die and destined to be punished for all of my wrong doings. But Jesus sacrificed his life so that I could live in freedom.

But am I living in freedom? Well, no. Parts of the hopeful, belief in me have died. Not all dead, but I'm certainly far from a promised land. But Christmas is a time to hope, to be merry, to celebrate the birth of a little baby who brings freedom. I'm not free from the world or myself at the moment. I am a little bit in the pit, but it's Christmas. It is not about the lights and trees, the presents, the red and green, the ugly sweaters, and I need to remember that someone was born to rescue me from my natural bend toward darkness.

Comfort and Joy

The holidays are generally supposed to be a time of comfort and joy, but maybe my expectations are too high. I keep trying to force holiday cheer for myself, but I end up disappointed.

Part of me wants this Christmas to be filled with decoration and celebration, but maybe I'm just trying to cover up being so sad. I really miss my dad, and as Christmas looms over my head, I just want to be with Quinn and Ashley, eating warm bowls of spaghetti and platefuls of molasses cookies, and then I want to just have a good cry and lie in bed and cuddle with my two best gals.