Back to Life

I think that I've been dead for a good majority of my time in New York City. Not at the beginning, and there have been some times where I've felt very alive, but I've been mostly dead.

Dear G-d,

Please bring me back to life. Rescue me from the death trap that I've built for myself. I know I don't deserve your grace or mercy, but I will cry out for it. I know that you hear me and that even if I am a dog, you will give me some scraps. I want to be found in you again. Please come and be my hero.

Love,

Annie

Much To Everyone Else's Happiness

Colby and I are no longer an item. I won't go into the details of why we broke up, but I am very doubtful that we will end up together. We are still talking, which is good. It's my first real break up, and it hurts a lot more than I imagined, but I must say that I am taking it better than I thought I would. We still talk to each other on the phone and over video chat, and I think that we will be friends, despite our differences.

The tour has been very good lately. I've been getting along with everyone very well, and it has helped me feel more confident and positive.

I've learned a lot, in these past six months of exploring life outside of the comfortable bubble of my conservative breeding, and though there may be nay sayers who would look down upon my actions, I feel as though G-d has really been with me through the ups and downs, and has allowed me the freedom to experience new things. Falling is not the same as failing, and maybe I am sadder, but I am also wiser.

The Jew and The Gentile

I know I should have thought about things while we were still dating, but I didn't think things would get serious so soon. Colby's talking about marriage and kids, and asking me how I would feel if I were to have children raised in the Jewish faith. I know it goes against a lot of what I have been taught about unequal yoking and everything, but I wonder how unequal are we?

It's too early to talk about marriage. I don't plan on getting married for another three or four years. The year 2014 is a good year to me, and who knows what could happen between me and Colby. I love him, yes, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to get married. I mean, maybe he'll get tired of being a gentleman and waiting to have sex until marriage, and he'll go off and find a girl who will give it up. Who knows what may happen in the next four years?

It seems stupid to end a good relationship based on what may or may not happen in our future... but at the same time, I know that what happens now determines what will happen in the future. Say for example, will I miss my non-existent chance with Chris Rice by being with Colby?

Too much thought for the morning. Must pack my suitcase now. Goodbye Nashville, Hello Chicago.

Losing Hope Is Easy, Losing Weight is Hard

As an actress it's easy to look around at the successful women in the media in this day and age, and it doesn't take long to notice that, I am not a size zero like the majority. I know that it's common for a human being to feel that they aren't good enough, and I am no exception. I dislike being "overweight," but I also dislike abstaining from foods that I particularly like.

Why does Krispy Kreme have to taste so delightful? And why is a meal of steak and potatoes so much more fulfilling than a salad? I've been trying to frequent the gym or do laps in the pools at the hotels, but overall, I'm finding that I'm still a chubby gal, and while I know what I shouldn't eat, I don't always know what I should eat. I've currently been doing the Acai berry supplements and taking L-Lysine, which I don't know if either one does anything, but maybe if I am psychologically convinced that I'm healthier, my body will start shedding unnecessary pounds. At least, I can hope for that much...

The Fall

I'm an extremely lucky person despite the negative circumstances that I may end up in. I wonder why The Father lifts me up and reinvents new ways to redeem me when I don't deserve it. I am a slave to my sins. I ask for forgiveness, and afterwards, I let the cares of the world overpower me and influence me. I let the world enter into my heart, and I'm sinking down.

This tour has been tough. This whole season in New York has been a trial of me failing and discovering how base and sinful I am. It was there in me the whole time, and as soon as I left the constrains of what is right and good, I fell farther and farther. I am still falling.

Don't let me die, God. Don't let me fall away from you. Please catch me and save me.

LET'S GET SOME FUUUDGE!!!!

Wow! I can hardly believe it, but I finally got a break through and got my first paid professional theatre job. I'm in a tour for a children's show: Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing (based on the book by Judy Blume), and I get to play Fudge.

PRAISE BE TO GOD! This whole thing was so unexpected, and yet it seemed ordained. During the call back process, I really didn't talk about it to anyone except the ones closest to me because I wanted it so badly. It was much like the time when I decided to go to AMDA. I kept it hidden in my heart because I wanted it so badly, and it was like I had to keep it a secret lest my dreams and hopes be shattered into a million pieces.

It's humbling to know that God does hear my prayers, and in this whole process (where it is very easy to get a big head and think that I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread), I know deep down that I have nothing to do with it. I can't help but think that I am so undeserving of this amazing opportunity. Why does God continue to take care of my garden of dreams? For someone as selfish as I am, as pig headed and stubborn, how can He possibly love me?

I am not a good person. I am a failed Christian. And then out of nowhere, God shows up, and He's faithful to His promise, even when I have been faithless and played the part of the harlot. I am Hosea's wife, and I'm finding my way back home to my first love.

With my head bowed, and my senses back, I return to Papa once again, only to find that He doesn't scold me or punish me, but He opens His arms and tells me how much He's missed me. Singing a song of forgiveness and freedom, I throw my caution to the winds of heaven, and let the spirit carry me on the wings of the angels. Thank you, Papa.

It's show time. Let's get some Fudge!

A Whole Lot of Nothing

Okay, so you're probably wondering what I'm doing with my life now, and I've got to tell you it's a whole lot of nothing.

I go to work, work on finding material for auditions, look for auditions, email people/performances jobs I think I'd be right for, wait for responses, but rarely receive any, hang out with the boyfriend (his name is Colby), get depressed, find something to eat, watch some netflix, write a little bit, and then sleep, only to start the whole process all over again.

I am gaining weight. It bothers me, and I know that it bothers Colby too. But I like food so much. One of the things that sucks about being in Weight Watchers is that I have to monitor my food intake and keep track of points, and honestly, a lot of times I don't do it. But going to the meetings helps me a great deal, even with three straight weeks of weight gain. And once I figure out and plan what I eat, and CONTROL myself when I eat, that should help this weight gain thing.

I am doing NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. So I have plot lines and characters running around through my brain.

I don't really have a social life anymore. I hang out with Colby, and that's my social life now-a-days.

Yep. A Whole Lot of Nothing.