Crazy Little Thing Called Love

As I mentioned in the previous post, I have a boyfriend now. And it's hard not to be obsessive about it. I like this man a lot, sure, but it doesn't necessarily mean marriage, does it? Anything could happen. So I have to remember to put God first, above everything, even though I like being in a relationship. This thing called love really can make a person crazy, so having a sound mind is important. I don't want to squelch the passion out of a relationship, but at the same time I don't want to be irrational and without caution. While I have opened up my heart to this, I still guard it with fierceness. I admit that I love this man, but I do not know yet if I am in love. I can't put all my eggs in one basket yet, can I? Plus, marriage is a long ways off, at least three or four years away, and so for now, I will say that I am guarded, but I do love.

Prepared to Be Surprised

So, it's been a while since I last wrote, but in this time, I've finished up my musical showcase, and now I'm currently working on my dramatic showcase.

Also, I guess I should let the cat out of the bag. I have a boyfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 14, and that lasted only three days. In a lot of ways, I find it strange that ever-single me now has a well, you know. It's hard for me to even say it because the concept is foreign to me.

I wasn't expecting it to happen, and I'm still surprised by it.

You've Got Mail

Online dating.  I signed up for it, and I still don't know how I feel about it.  I think I should maybe give it up because I spend too much time, looking, searching for some sort of connection out there.  I mean, I don't even want to get married right now... but I have to admit that I'd like a boyfriend.  It would be nice, I think.

Can online relationships really work?  Perhaps if two people are in the same city, maybe.  I mean, I found my roommates online, and they're great.  But can love really work that way?

I think I want something more.  Something extraordinary... or perhaps I don't even know what I want.

Sleep Deprivation

So I'm supposed to do a scene where I'm a new mom of two week old newborn, and my assignment is to not get any sleep.  I think I'm accomplishing that assignment with great success.  Last night I was up because of food poisoning, and tonight, well, I'm just up... talking with Quinn, amongst other things...

Weight Watching

Since joining weight watchers, I think about food all the time.  And I am hungry all the time.  I don't get it.  When I don't care about my weight, I don't seem to get hungry.  Or perhaps I'm not aware of my food intake, and so my stomach feels hungry even if it isn't because it's all psychological.

All I know is that I'm hungry right now.  And I want to eat, but I know that it's bad to eat so late at night.  But I will probably end up eating anyway.

May Hem

I called my parents for mother's day, and it just seemed like there was so much distance between us- figuratively and literally. Today has been a rough day for me. I'm homeless; far from family, from friends, and there was a gyro shack set up right across the street from where I worked which kept pulling my heart strings and making me miss my parents restaurant more than ever. I broke down. I cried. I had to take a few minutes and sit in the back room of the Starbucks and gain my composure.

Later, in the evening, I tried to internet stalk one of my favorite musicians, except that he was unstalkable... there was literally nothing I could find, and that made me a little sad. Then, I went and watched Shadowlands. AND THAT REALLY DEPRESSED ME. It usually doesn't, but this time around, I got so weepy. And then, I started going into dream land, thinking that wouldn't it be awesome if I ever got to meet my favorite musician, and wouldn't it be wonderful if he just saw into my soul, and knew that I was the one, and we'd fall in love, and I would end up with a malignant disease that would threaten my life, and it would end with me, dying a beautifully tragic death, but it wouldn't matter because we would have known what it meant to be in love and have that love returned. Yes, I know, it's idiotic. I was having an Anne Shirley moment (sans the Gilbert... I wish I had a Gilbert...). But then I got super depressed because I began thinking that maybe he HAS found the love of his life, and it ain't ever gonna be me, so I'm just a moron thinking these thoughts, and God is going to punish me for coveting, and fantasizing, and not putting Jesus first in my life, and breaking all kinds of commandments.

Right now, those whispers of worthlessness and failure begin to swirl around my ears. I brush them away, but like smoke, they seem to linger in the air, and even when they aren't visible, they leave behind the stench. I feel like an old worn out shirt, gone through a ringer, and hung out to dry-- separated from the rest of the laundry. I'm all dried out, and someone's forgotten to take me off the line, and so I've been hanging out there all on my own. I know it's not true. I hope it isn't, at least, but there's some room for wavering.

Oh, ye of little faith... that's the category I'm in. Little faith. God, I'm a believer, but help me believe.

Little Boxes

I like to compartmentalize my things: these papers go into this envelope, these toiletries go on this shelf, these socks go into this drawer.

That's all fine and dandy, but what do you do with all the items that are intangible? Where do you put those?

To be honest, I am not an organized person. I have the capacity to be extremely detailed and organized, but it takes me a lot of time. It doesn't come naturally, and I often get distracted in the process.

If the outer appearance of my room reflects the workings of my mind, then everything's a hot mess. Some things are in place, but most things are just scattered about. Some items are set in place and tidy, but all around it, there's chaos. Maybe my mind is the same way. Some ideas are set in stone, but all around there's a mess, and things that should be put in drawers are on shelves and things that should be on shelves are scattered in boxes.

I sure could use CLEAN HOUSE to come and save the day...