Groundhog Day Story

Six More Weeks

"Six more weeks of winter," she moaned and raised up her fist into the February sky as though she were protesting the groundhog's prediction. Down fell the crystals of snow, rapid and thick, apathetic to her complaint. Seeing that her outcry wasn't having any influence, she pulled her brown coat closer to her chest and shivered.

She couldn't help feeling a little resentful towards that little Punxsutawney critter who cursed the weather. It had been such a long cold winter, and six more weeks seemed like an eternity. If she were still living in the south, it wouldn't have really mattered to her, but now that she was northbound, her teeth began to chatter just thinking about the weeks to come.

She sighed and watched her visible breath, forming a cloud around her face. The street was quiet, and she consoled herself by reminding herself that the walk to her apartment was very short. She took comfort in the thought of the cup of hot chocolate and the apple pie a la mode that awaited her at home. She looked up at the trees covered with the soft snow, and she grudgingly had to admit that she was in a winter wonderland. She was able to forgive the detestable cold, but only because it was beautiful. She even gave up her diabolical plan to kidnap little groundhog Phil, and hold him for a million dollar ransom.

Maybe next winter, she wouldn't be so nice...

The End.

Pondering the Past

The first picture is my grandmother, her cousin, my aunt (the older child), and my mom (the baby). The second picture is my Mother, my sister (the older child), and me (the baby).

My grandmother died when my mom was around 12 years old, so I never got to meet her. Last year, I had a few dreams about my grandmother and my mom. I'd never really thought about her before, nor did I consider the impact of her death on my mother. In the dreams, she was never really present, but she was really special and important.

Since those dreams, I have often wondered how she was like. Was she fiesty or gentle? Was she artistic and creative? My older aunt and mom were devastated by her death, so she must have been special. My mom doesn't seem to like to talk about it much, so I don't ask too much, but I'm burning to know more.

Not just about my grandmother, though. I want to know so much more about my mom, but I'm afraid to ask. We've never really talked about her past too in depth, namely, because she's been a mother for more than half of her life, and I've been primarily selfish for most of mine. Call it a joy luck club moment, but I don't want to lose a moment with my mom. I don't want my mom to be gone before I learn her story. I want her story to live on, even after she's gone.

I Don't Know Where This Is Going...

I am very mean. I am critical. I am rude. I am blunt. I am expressive with my emotions. I am defensive. I dislike it when people try to control me. I dislike being silenced. I dislike being told to calm down. I am vicious. I am hateful. I am proud. I am a human. I was born a sinner.

It's really unfair. I never asked to be this way. I never asked to be born at all. And yet I was created. I was brought into this universe. There must be some reason. What was I made for?

It is so hard to love. It is so hard to forgive. It is hard to line up my personal beliefs with my actual life. And yet I still believe that there is a God who is perfect and who loves me and who is making me better. I have to be getting better. I have to believe that there's something better than this. That I am better than this petty behavior and these stupid situations that I get myself into. There's got to be more than just this frustration that I feel with the imperfection in myself and in others that annoys me so.

Surely, there is something good out there. A purpose, a calling, a destiny that is better than what I'm currently accepting. There's more to life than what I'm living.

There must be someone in this city that feels this suffocating sorrow like I do. There must be someone who is just as alone as I am. There must be someone who loves God, but is so painfully imperfect like me.

Jesus, please, just manifest yourself. Even if you're invisible to others, be visible to me. Please, just physically manifest because I can't bear this slow death.

I just want to be with you. I just want this waiting to be over. I just want to be with you. And it helps to know the day is getting closer. Every minute takes an hour. Every inch feels like a mile. Til I won't have to imagine, and I'll finally get to see you smile.

It's a beautiful song and a beautiful concept, but it doesn't help me to know that the day is getting closer. I just want to be with you right now. I know that the Bible verse says to live is Christ, but the next part says to die is gain. I just want to be in the after life. I want to be with Jesus and the angels. I don't need any great treasures or rewards. I just want to be with the Lord. With the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I want to be complete. I don't want to be in pain any longer. I don't want to be this miserable person that I am anymore.

God, please show up.

Searching For God Knows What

Dear God,

What am I doing here if you're not with me? I feel as though I am trapped in this painfully imperfect flesh. I want so badly to be a living sacrifice, a fragrant perfume, and someone who is worthy to dwell in your presence.

But I am failure after failure, and so prone to being a stranger to you and to myself.

Where are you? I am seeking. I don't need to find myself or find a solution. All I Need Is You. I have forgotten how to run, how to fly, and how to swim.

You are the child, pulling back my face with your tiny hands and saying, "Oh, there you are!" You are the youth saying, "Vote for me and all your wildest dreams will come true." You are the leading man, singing to me, "You don't have to do a thing, just simply be with me and let those things go. They can wait another minute. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer, cause I'm in love with you."

I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I think I found it.

...And a Happy New Year...

It is the first day of the new year. It's been a good one so far. I hope it looks up from here. I have very few resolutions.

1. I'm going to read the Bible
2. pray more
3. tithe
4. spend less money
and
5. eat better.

A Prophetic Word From Last Year

Jim Critcher:

(addressed to me and Ashley)
Who's the little sister over here, or the big sister, or however this works?
You guys really are roommates? There's no blood relation here, right? You're really roommates? Okay... alright...

So what are you doing?
(I answer that I work at Starbucks and Reading Tree)

Talk to me about your education just for a moment. Why don't I talk to you about your education for a moment...

Um, you need to get back with it.

You don't like school much on one hand. You've had some less than successful moments at different times in your educational career, alright? You've kinda taken some blows as a result of that, but I really believe the word of the Lord has to do with that.

It's not that you have to do it to achieve something to feel better about yourself, that's not what this is, but I really do believe that this is the path that God has marked out for you, and regardless of how [sequacious] it looks, education is still the path, and He's gonna have you get back on it, alright?

I hope this is making some sense for you, but I think that whatever your plans are, sooner than later. Okay, how is that? Sooner than later, you need to find a way to get back on the track that you're on, okay?

You know, you sometimes have a real issue or some real challenges in a whole realm of self esteem. There are just huge things about your life that you would just love to change. Some things that you'd just love to hit the rewind button on, and not to play back, but to erase if given a choice. "I wish I could have done that a little bit differently," but once again, God wants to just speak that same word over your life, "No regrets." Okay? And that whatever path that it's taken, let me just say to you, that God's gonna have His way in your life.

You know, you're an interesting person, in that you can very sweet... but you can be very... Um... let me just break it down real simply for you... you can be very stubborn at the same time.

(to Ashley)
You have to lock up the knives if y'all live together.

But there's a sweetness, an affability on the outside, but on the inside, you can be amazingly tenacious, which is a kind word for stubborn. You can get locked up about certain things, and you can be absolutely immovable. But God specializes in rocks. If He could deal with Peter, who was a rock, He can deal with you.

So let me just encourage you, go ahead and bend. It's a lot better to bend than be broken, and God's gonna have His way in your life. I want you to hear that.

Also, you haven't blown anything up. The enemy says, and you even hear this word: Education- you don't understand what a complicated mess that is. Yet God specializes in complicated mess, and your whole track of education, academics. Your story is going to be a story of redemption, and there is a testimony in the making about this.

And so we're just going to stop right there because I really believe that's the word of the Lord for you. Get back in school. Amen?

I'm so sorry that I'm not prophesying like money, and men, and missions. That's three "M's," that must be God right there. But that's the word of the Lord, and He is going to give you a unique grace to complete it. Okay? Tremendous!

Fade to Grey

Some days seem so methodical. Humdrum. I don't think that I've given up the fight, but there's a state of numbness that seems to have overtaken... everything. I'm not good, I'm not bad, I'm not right, I'm not wrong... I'm just a shade of grey. Sometimes fading darker, sometimes fading lighter, but grey, all the same.

How do you break from the grey? Where does the color come in? Where is the artist who is supposed to paint my dull canvas, and how do I find him?

Can I stand by a river and ask if the dream giver if He still waits for me? I need to know that you're still here. I need to have you nearby so that I won't make a mess of everything!

Come, beat a drum, so that I will still hear. Show me something beautiful so that I won't stop believing. Bring something that will keep me from fading...