Searching For God Knows What

Dear God,

What am I doing here if you're not with me? I feel as though I am trapped in this painfully imperfect flesh. I want so badly to be a living sacrifice, a fragrant perfume, and someone who is worthy to dwell in your presence.

But I am failure after failure, and so prone to being a stranger to you and to myself.

Where are you? I am seeking. I don't need to find myself or find a solution. All I Need Is You. I have forgotten how to run, how to fly, and how to swim.

You are the child, pulling back my face with your tiny hands and saying, "Oh, there you are!" You are the youth saying, "Vote for me and all your wildest dreams will come true." You are the leading man, singing to me, "You don't have to do a thing, just simply be with me and let those things go. They can wait another minute. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer, cause I'm in love with you."

I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I think I found it.

...And a Happy New Year...

It is the first day of the new year. It's been a good one so far. I hope it looks up from here. I have very few resolutions.

1. I'm going to read the Bible
2. pray more
3. tithe
4. spend less money
and
5. eat better.

A Prophetic Word From Last Year

Jim Critcher:

(addressed to me and Ashley)
Who's the little sister over here, or the big sister, or however this works?
You guys really are roommates? There's no blood relation here, right? You're really roommates? Okay... alright...

So what are you doing?
(I answer that I work at Starbucks and Reading Tree)

Talk to me about your education just for a moment. Why don't I talk to you about your education for a moment...

Um, you need to get back with it.

You don't like school much on one hand. You've had some less than successful moments at different times in your educational career, alright? You've kinda taken some blows as a result of that, but I really believe the word of the Lord has to do with that.

It's not that you have to do it to achieve something to feel better about yourself, that's not what this is, but I really do believe that this is the path that God has marked out for you, and regardless of how [sequacious] it looks, education is still the path, and He's gonna have you get back on it, alright?

I hope this is making some sense for you, but I think that whatever your plans are, sooner than later. Okay, how is that? Sooner than later, you need to find a way to get back on the track that you're on, okay?

You know, you sometimes have a real issue or some real challenges in a whole realm of self esteem. There are just huge things about your life that you would just love to change. Some things that you'd just love to hit the rewind button on, and not to play back, but to erase if given a choice. "I wish I could have done that a little bit differently," but once again, God wants to just speak that same word over your life, "No regrets." Okay? And that whatever path that it's taken, let me just say to you, that God's gonna have His way in your life.

You know, you're an interesting person, in that you can very sweet... but you can be very... Um... let me just break it down real simply for you... you can be very stubborn at the same time.

(to Ashley)
You have to lock up the knives if y'all live together.

But there's a sweetness, an affability on the outside, but on the inside, you can be amazingly tenacious, which is a kind word for stubborn. You can get locked up about certain things, and you can be absolutely immovable. But God specializes in rocks. If He could deal with Peter, who was a rock, He can deal with you.

So let me just encourage you, go ahead and bend. It's a lot better to bend than be broken, and God's gonna have His way in your life. I want you to hear that.

Also, you haven't blown anything up. The enemy says, and you even hear this word: Education- you don't understand what a complicated mess that is. Yet God specializes in complicated mess, and your whole track of education, academics. Your story is going to be a story of redemption, and there is a testimony in the making about this.

And so we're just going to stop right there because I really believe that's the word of the Lord for you. Get back in school. Amen?

I'm so sorry that I'm not prophesying like money, and men, and missions. That's three "M's," that must be God right there. But that's the word of the Lord, and He is going to give you a unique grace to complete it. Okay? Tremendous!

Fade to Grey

Some days seem so methodical. Humdrum. I don't think that I've given up the fight, but there's a state of numbness that seems to have overtaken... everything. I'm not good, I'm not bad, I'm not right, I'm not wrong... I'm just a shade of grey. Sometimes fading darker, sometimes fading lighter, but grey, all the same.

How do you break from the grey? Where does the color come in? Where is the artist who is supposed to paint my dull canvas, and how do I find him?

Can I stand by a river and ask if the dream giver if He still waits for me? I need to know that you're still here. I need to have you nearby so that I won't make a mess of everything!

Come, beat a drum, so that I will still hear. Show me something beautiful so that I won't stop believing. Bring something that will keep me from fading...

Home Sweet Harlem

I've recently moved into a sweet little deal in Harlem. I have two really great roomies, and Sophie loves the apartment. Though I've been in New York City since May, I haven't really written about it, except to say that it was lonely when I first got here. I'm more accustomed to the loneliness, and I find that sometimes, I prefer the loneliness to the hustle and bustle of the city, but I digress. I think the reason why I stopped writing- other than being insanely busy- is because I haven't felt at home in this city. Maybe all I needed was time, or maybe it was because I was sleeping in a living room, but New York is now... home. Maybe all it took was finding the right place.

So now that I'm finally writing again, I should talk about AMDA. It was the reason why I came to New York, afterall. My days consist of acting, singing, and dancing. I take tap, jazz, ballet, and theatre dance. I have acting classes. I have voice lessons. I have voice and speech classes. I am taking up musical composition and dialects as my electives. And then I have musical theatre class which integrates the acting, singing, and dancing. It has been an awesome experience. I know that I will miss it dearly when next October rolls around- that's when I graduate. I've had the opportunity to meet some crazy talented people, and I hope that I will know them for a long time.

I know this is a very brief and unsatisfactory overview, but it will have to suffice for now. I'm a very busy girl, and I have a lot of work to do.

The End

Ashley closed on the house, and it's officially the end of the season. Atlanta isn't home anymore, Goodbye Huntington Trace. Goodbye Frank and Alfonso. Goodbye children running around. Goodbye daffodils and tulips in the spring. Goodbye ice cream truck that played the same song over and over and OVER. Goodbye days of lying on the couch and watching "You've Got Mail."

Sigh.

Lonliness

"Nighthawks"
Edward Hopper

Edward Hopper really captures a sense of lonliness in this painting. They're all in this little diner or bar, and yet they're alone- even the couple. I feel this way. I'm surrounded by people, and yet I'm facing a void. I'm lonely. I am lonely.