Testify

Okay, so honestly: I fear calling myself a Christian sometimes. A lot of times. I live in this world of fear. Fear that I'm not Christian enough, and fear that I'm too Christian. Weird, right? I want to live a life of love and light. I don't want to be mean to people, but I often am. I don't want to gain if someone has to lose, but I often lose sight of the needs of others and go after my own selfish ambitions. I don't want to trample anyone, and I don't want to be trampled. And we can't have it both ways, can we? I don't know!

I want to be cool, but I want to be hard core too. I love crazy Jesus people. I love Gays. I bless. I curse. I drink. Too much. Sometimes.

I sin every day. I ask forgiveness everyday. Sometimes I'm wrapped in holiness. Sometimes I'm soaked in shame. Sometimes my pride is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. And somehow, God just breaks me down and forces me into humility.

I can run from God, but I can't hide from Him. I can be ashamed of Him, but He's still my dad. I can deny Him three thousand times, but when I'm at the end of my rope and I've hit rock bottom, I will always turn to Him. Why? Because He's merciful. Because He's just. Because He is good. He is light. He is life.

It's interesting because there are times that I am literally yoked to Jesus. Because I said I want Christ to be Lord of my life, I am now bound to Him, and there's no escaping. I have periods of rebellion, but I'm always coming back. Maybe Jesus is my crack.

Sometimes I want to go my own way, but I don't because I know that being chained to a master who is loving and leading me on a path to salvation is better than wandering around blind and alone.

And that's what I got to testify tonight.

This Life

I often find myself contemplating this life that I've chosen. The career of being an actor. Living in New York City. Believing in Christianity.

There have been a lot of different forks in the road where I could have done things differently, and sometimes I wonder what I would have become if I had done this or that differently. I can't keep regretting things that I did or didn't do. I made those choices, and I have to live with the good and bad consequences of them all. Whatever I sow in this life, I will reap.

If I sow goodness, generosity, and love, that is what I will reap. I just hope I don't get trampled in the process.

The Rescue

Jesus was singing to me. Come back to my side. Come back to be my bride.

I've definitely been prone to wander from the God I love, but I didn't realize how far I'd fallen until I looked up and saw that I was at the bottom of the hill instead of the top.

He rescued me, and brought me back. I am still here.

United Colors

It seems as though I've always had a very colorful crowd of friends- not just literally, but in personalities, in occupations, and in life goals. My friends Quinn and Zu laughed about it saying we were like a walking "United Colors of Benetton" ad. Maybe it's that I live in a city with so many varieties of people, or maybe I'm a person of an "ethnic" heritage, so it's forced me to make friends of different styles and flavors... Yet, I know plenty of people who are considered "ethnic" but still hang out with a set demographic of people types.

I don't mean to brag on myself: Look at me! I have a diverse group of friends! But I do thank God that this is how my life has turned out. I love that my best friends in the world look nothing like me and nothing like one another. They come in all shapes and sizes, all kinds of colors, all different socioeconomic backgrounds, and yet we love one another effortlessly and without judgement.

There have been people in my past who I have aligned myself with who claim to be so diverse and open-minded, and yet when you look at the people they surround themselves with, they look the same, and talk the same-- they are all the same color, and all the same "type." They may turn up their noses, and deem us unworthy, but little do they know that we are representing the colors of Heaven.

Sick or Homesick

These past three days, I have been puking my guts out. My bosses are raging. I have been too sick to really care about the goings on at work. And I am all alone and sick.

Do you know how awful it feels to be alone and sick? I want my mom here. I want someone here to at least keep my hair from my face as I've got my head in the toilet. Friends aren't enough. I need family. I need a home.

I am homesick for a home that I do not know. What is home anymore? Is it with my parents? No. Is it in Georgia? No. Is it here in New York? I don't know. I live in an environment that is fine. It's not home, but it's not a prison either. I am comfortable here. But my heart is longing for something more. Something deeper than this. I've been so out of touch with the idea of family, and it's times like these- when I'm sick as a dog, and am utterly alone that I realize: I can't do it alone. I need someone to be a mom, or a dad, or a sister, or a brother to me.

Picking Up Pens and Paper

It's that time again! NaNoWriMo! It's Day Two and I'm not at my goal yet. Firstly, I have no idea what I am writing. It's all a bunch of blah, and it's total crap. I wish I had a solid idea, but I don't! I'm just making things up as I go along.

Ah well, maybe this year I won't win, but I'm not going to give up so easily. I'm still writing and trying to find a real story in all of this blah.