Sweet as Cotton Candy

It's easy to say, "God Loves You." Of course He does, yeah, yeah, we all know that. I discovered He not only loves me, but He is IN LOVE with me. He showed me lots of things the other day. There have been words that have cursed me: unfeminine, fat, ugly, too short, and not white. They have been tormenting me and keeping me bound up, and you know what He showed me?

He gave me an 8mm film reel of myself as a child running around my old back yard, picking flowers and running around happily. I had a little tiara on my head and was holding a magic wand. He showed the little girl version of myself growing up into a Bride.

Then the film ended and I was on a beach with Yeshua, and I was under a chupah, and Yeshua was saying his vows to me, and He put a ring on my finger, and He gave me the nicest kiss I've ever gotten.

Then He gave me a picture of a big, red dragon breathing fire and burning up the words, and not only that, but the dragon turned to me, winked, and blew a smoke ring at me in the shape of a heart. I felt the actual warmth of the smoke against my skin, and I smelled it too. It baptized me in a brand new love.

Where the old words had existed, He gave me new words. Lovely. Beautiful. Sweet as Cotton Candy! He planted white daisies and washed me with purity.

He showed me a tree which was surrounded by enemies and unclean spirits, and He caught them with a net and burned them in an incinerator which made them blow up and turn to glitter. Then He had me plant pencils into the ground, and where each pencil was planted, bouquets of pencils sprung. He told me that the tree was where I needed to be and to He told me that He had given me the pencils to use my words to climb the tree. He showed me a picture of me as a little girl, up in the tree, writing stories.

It's amazing how well He knows my heart, and how He knows the right way to speak to me. He's my one and only.

Joyful, Joyful

2010 has been a rough year so far, but right now, I'm in a season of thanksgiving and joy. Or maybe it's the endorphins from exercise. I recently launched my website www.anniesuekim.com and as I've been building it, I've been counting blessings and realizing there is so much for me to thankful and joyful for. God gave me talent. Maybe not as much talent as some, but I have tried my best to invest and do something with the talents I've been given. And now I am working in an industry that I love, and the job that I have at the moment, I love. I have fulfilled the prophecy that I was meant to fulfill. Now what's next, God? Keep me on my toes!

God gave me a gift to really love kids and love young people, and this keeps me very joyful. I think I'm ready to invest in that talent now. Sometimes people try to peg me as immature. I think it's because I'm young at heart. But I've grown to understand that being child-like is different than being childish. Yes, I have a very exuberant and eccentric personality, which is good because that's what got me this job... but a lot of that exuberance comes from the joy that has always been there.

I know a couple of no-class fools who other people see and esteem them as mature and knowledgeable, and yet they have no wisdom when it comes to matters of the heart. They are cold and life-less. I tell you, they don't know what they're missing. This joy that I feel is more than mere happiness. It's something that permeates throughout my life, throughout my soul. I'm punch drunk on the joy.

Blessing The Cursers

So about a week ago, I allowed myself to love and forgive Colby, despite his horribleness to me. It wasn't easy, but I've been reading a lot of 1 Corinthians lately, especially the love verse. So I wrote a letter to him, saying that I would walk in the ways of the Lord, and I would love the way Christ does.

Colby came over and I prayed a blessing over him and his future. I will not involve myself romantically with him. So far, I've been doing very well, but I suppose that the distance of my traveling definitely helps. I try to keep conversations with him at fifteen minutes or less, and I don't talk about the past, and when he begins to talk about the past, I veer the conversation in a different direction as to avoid bitterness from rooting itself into me.

This is not easy, but I knew that when I was refusing to speak to him, it was hardening my heart, and I don't want to become a cold blooded lady. I will love, and I will love my enemies. I will bless those who curse me, and I will pray for the ones who have hated me and mistreated me.

The Party Girl

I've become quite the party girl lately. I've been hanging out at the bars, being with dear old friends, meeting new people, dancing, having fun, and living life. I can see why so many people find fulfillment in this kind of lifestyle. But you know, there is more out there than just another party...

While I am a firm believer in having a good time, I don't want to confuse having fun with hedonism. There's more to life than just parties and fun, right? There's community, there's fellowship, and I think that's what this is really all about. We're all out here, trying to meet people, trying to be social, trying to make connections because that's the way we are designed. No one is supposed to be alone.

Even God is not one being alone out in this universe. It's a triumvirate of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. They said, "Let US" create the world and every thing in it in six days. "Let US" rest on the seventh and marvel at the beauty of creation. So if God is not alone, and if God was wanting to chill out, it means that we should do the same, right?

That's not saying we don't need time away from others every so often, but ever since coming out of the isolation of the tour, I've been extremely needy. I don't want to spend one waking moment alone. I don't need anymore alone time, I need to be out and about again, and I want and need to be with people that I love for as much time as humanly possible.

Maybe it seems as though I'm justifying my party girl ways, but my heart is a lonely hunter and she needs to find a family and a community.

Just Let Go

Let it be to me according to Your Word

Your ways are higher than mine

Well, I finally got the courage to ex-communicate my ex-boyfriend. I've decided to take my sister's advice (finally) since she was right about him from the git-go. With the passing of my birthday, I felt it was necessary to make some changes. Contact with Colby was one of them. I just can't heal and recover when I'm in constant contact with him until my soul is fully restored. I'm trying to heal my best, but the last thing I need is to pick off my scabs and watch them bleed, and honestly, that is what it is like every time I talk to Colby and especially when I see him. I wish I didn't invest myself so much into the ones I love, especially when they break my heart. Most of the time I can forgive and move on, but this is something different.

Romantic love is different. Boyfriends are different than friends and I'm sure that one day I will be able to be his friend and call him once in a while and hang out with him, but for right now, it hurts and it makes me go insane.

It's difficult to not call him. It's painful to be alone. But I know that if I throw myself into God's arm, if I lay down at Jesus' feet, and let it all go, He will heal me. I need love, power, and a sound mind, and that is what He will give me.

All I wanna do is lose myself in You

Lean back in Your Love

And Just Let Go

Why do we settle?

I've been thinking a lot and looking back and over analyzing everything- not just in my circumstances, but in the lives of others as well, and I noticed such an alarming thing. We settle for less than what we are worth. Yeah, I know that I often say that I'm a dirt bag and undeserving of the love that God has given me, but there comes a point when you have to separate humility from the value that God has placed on you. And He bought us for a pretty little price- um, like He kinda gave up His entire life and thought that it was worth it to suffer humiliation and death just to have us be called His kids, so obviously we are worth a lot to Him.

This being said, yeah, we're pond scum, but we are worth a lot to God, the creator of the universe, so why do we settle for less than what we're worth? I say this with all due respect to my ex-boyfriend, but he was seriously my intellectual/emotional/spiritual/mental-health/cultural/grammatically correct/pretty much everything except maybe my musical/mathematical inferior. And I put up with it because I thought that maybe if he were with me that God would change him into the ideal man. I was so blinded by my own loneliness and need for attention and affection that I overlooked his ineptness. I ignored and enabled his behavior when he was being ignorant and selfish because I didn't want to offend him because I didn't want to lose him. But why was I holding onto him in the first place? Why did I settle for so much less than a godly, exquisite man?

Because I doubted God. I doubted God's goodness. I doubted that God would provide the right man at the right time, and I felt a void and a deficit that needed to be fulfilled right then and there, and hey, this guy seems to like me and wants me to be his girlfriend, so why not? I can change him, and God will change him if he's with me. Wow, what kind of logic was I coming up with? If he wasn't right for me already, then why did I expect God to change him as soon as he was with me? My own pride in my abilities to change him took precedence over God's will for his life, and now I am licking my wounds from my follies.

Thank heaven for redemption. Thank God for forgiveness and mercy. Thanks be to Yeshua that I did not give myself away to this undeserving, incompetent man! I am a lucky girl! No, I take that back: I am protected by the shield of angels and it is nothing short of miraculous that I have suffered very little damages to my purity and my passion for the Lord.

Thank you, Abba Father. Help me not to settle ever again!!!

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

I'm minutes away from being 26 years old, and for some reason, I feel so sad. I want to be with Quinn and Ashley. I want my sister here to celebrate our birthdays together (hers is four days before mine) and be with my parents and have chicken wings and Korean food. I want to see baby Mar-Mar and hug her and squeeze her, and I want Sophie here to warm my lap and cuddle with at night. I miss feeling at home.

I'm not trying to throw a pity party here. I am so grateful to have friends in the city to celebrate with, but I am so homesick right now for the ones who are closest to my heart. I miss them fiercely, and am trying my best to make it through.

Okay, enough of being sad. I am going to laugh now, and I am going to live my life fully and I will not cry unless it is tears of joy. Twenty six, be my year of jubilee!

Bosom Friend

I have been the luckiest girl in the world because I am able to say that my best friend is one of the most beautiful persons to have ever existed. I thank God everyday for my best friend Quinn, and I can't imagine how much my life would suck without her. She is patient, kind, loving, understanding, beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, fabulous, life giving, and so much more than just that. Sometimes I take my friendship with her for granted, but then there are moments where my eyes are completely open, and I just marvel at how much I have been blessed to have such an extraordinary woman who considers me her best friend as well.

I love this girl so much!!! Wow, I don't know why God chose to bestow this gift of friendship to a terrible person like me, but I receive this present with the openest of arms!