LET'S GET SOME FUUUDGE!!!!

Wow! I can hardly believe it, but I finally got a break through and got my first paid professional theatre job. I'm in a tour for a children's show: Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing (based on the book by Judy Blume), and I get to play Fudge.

PRAISE BE TO GOD! This whole thing was so unexpected, and yet it seemed ordained. During the call back process, I really didn't talk about it to anyone except the ones closest to me because I wanted it so badly. It was much like the time when I decided to go to AMDA. I kept it hidden in my heart because I wanted it so badly, and it was like I had to keep it a secret lest my dreams and hopes be shattered into a million pieces.

It's humbling to know that God does hear my prayers, and in this whole process (where it is very easy to get a big head and think that I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread), I know deep down that I have nothing to do with it. I can't help but think that I am so undeserving of this amazing opportunity. Why does God continue to take care of my garden of dreams? For someone as selfish as I am, as pig headed and stubborn, how can He possibly love me?

I am not a good person. I am a failed Christian. And then out of nowhere, God shows up, and He's faithful to His promise, even when I have been faithless and played the part of the harlot. I am Hosea's wife, and I'm finding my way back home to my first love.

With my head bowed, and my senses back, I return to Papa once again, only to find that He doesn't scold me or punish me, but He opens His arms and tells me how much He's missed me. Singing a song of forgiveness and freedom, I throw my caution to the winds of heaven, and let the spirit carry me on the wings of the angels. Thank you, Papa.

It's show time. Let's get some Fudge!

A Whole Lot of Nothing

Okay, so you're probably wondering what I'm doing with my life now, and I've got to tell you it's a whole lot of nothing.

I go to work, work on finding material for auditions, look for auditions, email people/performances jobs I think I'd be right for, wait for responses, but rarely receive any, hang out with the boyfriend (his name is Colby), get depressed, find something to eat, watch some netflix, write a little bit, and then sleep, only to start the whole process all over again.

I am gaining weight. It bothers me, and I know that it bothers Colby too. But I like food so much. One of the things that sucks about being in Weight Watchers is that I have to monitor my food intake and keep track of points, and honestly, a lot of times I don't do it. But going to the meetings helps me a great deal, even with three straight weeks of weight gain. And once I figure out and plan what I eat, and CONTROL myself when I eat, that should help this weight gain thing.

I am doing NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. So I have plot lines and characters running around through my brain.

I don't really have a social life anymore. I hang out with Colby, and that's my social life now-a-days.

Yep. A Whole Lot of Nothing.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

As I mentioned in the previous post, I have a boyfriend now. And it's hard not to be obsessive about it. I like this man a lot, sure, but it doesn't necessarily mean marriage, does it? Anything could happen. So I have to remember to put God first, above everything, even though I like being in a relationship. This thing called love really can make a person crazy, so having a sound mind is important. I don't want to squelch the passion out of a relationship, but at the same time I don't want to be irrational and without caution. While I have opened up my heart to this, I still guard it with fierceness. I admit that I love this man, but I do not know yet if I am in love. I can't put all my eggs in one basket yet, can I? Plus, marriage is a long ways off, at least three or four years away, and so for now, I will say that I am guarded, but I do love.

Prepared to Be Surprised

So, it's been a while since I last wrote, but in this time, I've finished up my musical showcase, and now I'm currently working on my dramatic showcase.

Also, I guess I should let the cat out of the bag. I have a boyfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 14, and that lasted only three days. In a lot of ways, I find it strange that ever-single me now has a well, you know. It's hard for me to even say it because the concept is foreign to me.

I wasn't expecting it to happen, and I'm still surprised by it.

You've Got Mail

Online dating.  I signed up for it, and I still don't know how I feel about it.  I think I should maybe give it up because I spend too much time, looking, searching for some sort of connection out there.  I mean, I don't even want to get married right now... but I have to admit that I'd like a boyfriend.  It would be nice, I think.

Can online relationships really work?  Perhaps if two people are in the same city, maybe.  I mean, I found my roommates online, and they're great.  But can love really work that way?

I think I want something more.  Something extraordinary... or perhaps I don't even know what I want.

Sleep Deprivation

So I'm supposed to do a scene where I'm a new mom of two week old newborn, and my assignment is to not get any sleep.  I think I'm accomplishing that assignment with great success.  Last night I was up because of food poisoning, and tonight, well, I'm just up... talking with Quinn, amongst other things...

Weight Watching

Since joining weight watchers, I think about food all the time.  And I am hungry all the time.  I don't get it.  When I don't care about my weight, I don't seem to get hungry.  Or perhaps I'm not aware of my food intake, and so my stomach feels hungry even if it isn't because it's all psychological.

All I know is that I'm hungry right now.  And I want to eat, but I know that it's bad to eat so late at night.  But I will probably end up eating anyway.

May Hem

I called my parents for mother's day, and it just seemed like there was so much distance between us- figuratively and literally. Today has been a rough day for me. I'm homeless; far from family, from friends, and there was a gyro shack set up right across the street from where I worked which kept pulling my heart strings and making me miss my parents restaurant more than ever. I broke down. I cried. I had to take a few minutes and sit in the back room of the Starbucks and gain my composure.

Later, in the evening, I tried to internet stalk one of my favorite musicians, except that he was unstalkable... there was literally nothing I could find, and that made me a little sad. Then, I went and watched Shadowlands. AND THAT REALLY DEPRESSED ME. It usually doesn't, but this time around, I got so weepy. And then, I started going into dream land, thinking that wouldn't it be awesome if I ever got to meet my favorite musician, and wouldn't it be wonderful if he just saw into my soul, and knew that I was the one, and we'd fall in love, and I would end up with a malignant disease that would threaten my life, and it would end with me, dying a beautifully tragic death, but it wouldn't matter because we would have known what it meant to be in love and have that love returned. Yes, I know, it's idiotic. I was having an Anne Shirley moment (sans the Gilbert... I wish I had a Gilbert...). But then I got super depressed because I began thinking that maybe he HAS found the love of his life, and it ain't ever gonna be me, so I'm just a moron thinking these thoughts, and God is going to punish me for coveting, and fantasizing, and not putting Jesus first in my life, and breaking all kinds of commandments.

Right now, those whispers of worthlessness and failure begin to swirl around my ears. I brush them away, but like smoke, they seem to linger in the air, and even when they aren't visible, they leave behind the stench. I feel like an old worn out shirt, gone through a ringer, and hung out to dry-- separated from the rest of the laundry. I'm all dried out, and someone's forgotten to take me off the line, and so I've been hanging out there all on my own. I know it's not true. I hope it isn't, at least, but there's some room for wavering.

Oh, ye of little faith... that's the category I'm in. Little faith. God, I'm a believer, but help me believe.

Little Boxes

I like to compartmentalize my things: these papers go into this envelope, these toiletries go on this shelf, these socks go into this drawer.

That's all fine and dandy, but what do you do with all the items that are intangible? Where do you put those?

To be honest, I am not an organized person. I have the capacity to be extremely detailed and organized, but it takes me a lot of time. It doesn't come naturally, and I often get distracted in the process.

If the outer appearance of my room reflects the workings of my mind, then everything's a hot mess. Some things are in place, but most things are just scattered about. Some items are set in place and tidy, but all around it, there's chaos. Maybe my mind is the same way. Some ideas are set in stone, but all around there's a mess, and things that should be put in drawers are on shelves and things that should be on shelves are scattered in boxes.

I sure could use CLEAN HOUSE to come and save the day...

Exhaustion

Wow, am I tired! And yet, I'm not sleeping. No, sir, not me. I'm in my third semester, wondering where time went by, and feeling like I have nothing in me left to give. And yet, I'm still here, and still in it to win it. I even went to comp. elective and tried to work out some kinks in a song I've been neglecting.

I have an ulcer in my mouth- the type of canker sore that you get because you haven't gotten enough sleep. Yesterday, I had a mini-panic-attack after a nap because when I woke up, I thought I was in my parents' living room in SC, and was freaking about how I would get back to school. Then a couple hours after that, out of pure exhaustion and tiredness, I vomitted up a perfectly good pastrami and provolone sandwich. I'm a little bitter about that because I was pretty hungry after upchucking, but didn't even have the strength to fill the void after it was emptied from me.

You know, I didn't realize how wonderful and awful this could be, but I am glad to have this experience. It's been one heckuva ride, and I'm not sure what I'll do when it's over.

Rest Now, Kitty

Eponine ELIZABETH Feagin

April 15, 2009

Eponine lived a heroic life, fighting for the revolution of love. She was a martyr. She faced the scares of Northcott boys chasing her about. She bravely battled all the insults that came her way with poise and dignity. She endured a host of fleas feeding on her, scratching calmly, waiting patiently for the Huntington House to be bombed and advantaged.

She taught us so much. She taught us the value of a good pair of shoes. She taught us how to be patient with pesky little sisters who wanted to pounce on our tails. She taught us that snuggling is a cure all. And she taught us to indulge in treats that life gives us.

We know that Jesus' arms are strong enough, and that He's carrying her to a land where treatie weeties flow.

Rest In Peace, Dear Eppie.

Spring and Sophie

I wish the weather would make up its mind on whether it wants to be winter or spring. Trees are blooming, but cold winds are blowing strong. In the morning, it's frigid, and by noon, it's sweltering.

On a completely different note, Sophie, my cat, was probably born on this day, three years ago. Right now, she got her claws stuck on my leotard and is walking around with a leotard stuck to her foot. Time goes by, and only a few things change...

Little Sister's Ramblings

Little sister, come and sit beside me, beside me. And we'll play a tune on this piano forte, just for a while, just for a while, just for a while...

Birthday season is coming up for my sister and me. She's two years and four days older than me. As kids, my sis delighted in the four days that she was three years older than me.

This picture was taken 20 years ago. 20 years have passed, and we're going to be together again for our birthdays... well, technically, it's a little before our birthdays, but it's around the same time. It really makes me think about how brief the time is.

My big sister, my hero, my enemy, my best friend, my second mom, my only sister. I used to cry when she went away on school trips, and get so jealous when she did better than me at everything. I resented being in her shadow, and at the same time I looked up to her so much. We were so close when we were younger.

We're not as close now that we're so much farther apart- in both location and paths of life. In some ways, I feel like I know her better than I know myself, and other times, it's like we're strangers. At any rate, it's very nice that we'll be able to be together again... just for a while, just for a while, just for a while...

Happy Birthday To Us Both!!!

Tick-Tock...

There goes a decade, a century, millenium...

As I look at old pictures, I can't help but feel slightly stunned. Where did that time go? It seems as if I just got to New York City, but as soon as May rolls around, which is only in three more months, I will have been here for a year. Time keeps tick-tocking, and I wonder if that was really me living. I don't remember it.

But the past is gone and done, and I only have today. So what am I going to do with this day that I'm given? When I was eighteen, I was all about carpe diem and seizing the day. When I was eighteen, I wrote: "I want to live. I want to live like life has a meaning. Yes. It has a meaning."

I'm coming to the realization that everyday should be special. Every moment is chockfull of purpose and meaning if we live. I don't want to waste my time in this life. I want to live as if everyday were a day like no other. I want to have an extraordinary life, and I don't want this time in New York City- the city that I used to dream about living in- to be wasted. I want to look back and rather than wonder where the time went, I want to rejoice in having lived such a full and meaningful life.

Hello, there, new day...

Surprised by Joy

Mariah Joy Long- February 13, 2009

Welcome to the world, baby girl!

Groundhog Day Story

Six More Weeks

"Six more weeks of winter," she moaned and raised up her fist into the February sky as though she were protesting the groundhog's prediction. Down fell the crystals of snow, rapid and thick, apathetic to her complaint. Seeing that her outcry wasn't having any influence, she pulled her brown coat closer to her chest and shivered.

She couldn't help feeling a little resentful towards that little Punxsutawney critter who cursed the weather. It had been such a long cold winter, and six more weeks seemed like an eternity. If she were still living in the south, it wouldn't have really mattered to her, but now that she was northbound, her teeth began to chatter just thinking about the weeks to come.

She sighed and watched her visible breath, forming a cloud around her face. The street was quiet, and she consoled herself by reminding herself that the walk to her apartment was very short. She took comfort in the thought of the cup of hot chocolate and the apple pie a la mode that awaited her at home. She looked up at the trees covered with the soft snow, and she grudgingly had to admit that she was in a winter wonderland. She was able to forgive the detestable cold, but only because it was beautiful. She even gave up her diabolical plan to kidnap little groundhog Phil, and hold him for a million dollar ransom.

Maybe next winter, she wouldn't be so nice...

The End.

Pondering the Past

The first picture is my grandmother, her cousin, my aunt (the older child), and my mom (the baby). The second picture is my Mother, my sister (the older child), and me (the baby).

My grandmother died when my mom was around 12 years old, so I never got to meet her. Last year, I had a few dreams about my grandmother and my mom. I'd never really thought about her before, nor did I consider the impact of her death on my mother. In the dreams, she was never really present, but she was really special and important.

Since those dreams, I have often wondered how she was like. Was she fiesty or gentle? Was she artistic and creative? My older aunt and mom were devastated by her death, so she must have been special. My mom doesn't seem to like to talk about it much, so I don't ask too much, but I'm burning to know more.

Not just about my grandmother, though. I want to know so much more about my mom, but I'm afraid to ask. We've never really talked about her past too in depth, namely, because she's been a mother for more than half of her life, and I've been primarily selfish for most of mine. Call it a joy luck club moment, but I don't want to lose a moment with my mom. I don't want my mom to be gone before I learn her story. I want her story to live on, even after she's gone.

I Don't Know Where This Is Going...

I am very mean. I am critical. I am rude. I am blunt. I am expressive with my emotions. I am defensive. I dislike it when people try to control me. I dislike being silenced. I dislike being told to calm down. I am vicious. I am hateful. I am proud. I am a human. I was born a sinner.

It's really unfair. I never asked to be this way. I never asked to be born at all. And yet I was created. I was brought into this universe. There must be some reason. What was I made for?

It is so hard to love. It is so hard to forgive. It is hard to line up my personal beliefs with my actual life. And yet I still believe that there is a God who is perfect and who loves me and who is making me better. I have to be getting better. I have to believe that there's something better than this. That I am better than this petty behavior and these stupid situations that I get myself into. There's got to be more than just this frustration that I feel with the imperfection in myself and in others that annoys me so.

Surely, there is something good out there. A purpose, a calling, a destiny that is better than what I'm currently accepting. There's more to life than what I'm living.

There must be someone in this city that feels this suffocating sorrow like I do. There must be someone who is just as alone as I am. There must be someone who loves God, but is so painfully imperfect like me.

Jesus, please, just manifest yourself. Even if you're invisible to others, be visible to me. Please, just physically manifest because I can't bear this slow death.

I just want to be with you. I just want this waiting to be over. I just want to be with you. And it helps to know the day is getting closer. Every minute takes an hour. Every inch feels like a mile. Til I won't have to imagine, and I'll finally get to see you smile.

It's a beautiful song and a beautiful concept, but it doesn't help me to know that the day is getting closer. I just want to be with you right now. I know that the Bible verse says to live is Christ, but the next part says to die is gain. I just want to be in the after life. I want to be with Jesus and the angels. I don't need any great treasures or rewards. I just want to be with the Lord. With the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I want to be complete. I don't want to be in pain any longer. I don't want to be this miserable person that I am anymore.

God, please show up.

Searching For God Knows What

Dear God,

What am I doing here if you're not with me? I feel as though I am trapped in this painfully imperfect flesh. I want so badly to be a living sacrifice, a fragrant perfume, and someone who is worthy to dwell in your presence.

But I am failure after failure, and so prone to being a stranger to you and to myself.

Where are you? I am seeking. I don't need to find myself or find a solution. All I Need Is You. I have forgotten how to run, how to fly, and how to swim.

You are the child, pulling back my face with your tiny hands and saying, "Oh, there you are!" You are the youth saying, "Vote for me and all your wildest dreams will come true." You are the leading man, singing to me, "You don't have to do a thing, just simply be with me and let those things go. They can wait another minute. This moment is too sweet. Please stay here with me and love on me a little longer, cause I'm in love with you."

I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I think I found it.

...And a Happy New Year...

It is the first day of the new year. It's been a good one so far. I hope it looks up from here. I have very few resolutions.

1. I'm going to read the Bible
2. pray more
3. tithe
4. spend less money
and
5. eat better.