Thanks

Thank you, life, for bringing me love.  Thank you, love, for bringing me life.

I just want things to get better. 

Songs of Heartache

I like songs about heartbreak.  Don't get me wrong, love songs are the best, love them, but there's something so unique about break up songs.  Some of my favorites include

1. I Don't Really Love You Anymore by The Magnetic Fields

2. Stay Away From Me by Chris Thile 

3. Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley

4. Falling by The Civil Wars

5. 14th Street by Rufus Wainwright

6. Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye

7. The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley (The India.Arie version is awesome)

8. Merry Happy by Kate Nash

Ready, Set, Go!

I am going to be positive, in spite of the negativity that may be brewing.  I may not feel like a hundred bucks right, now, but I am alive, my heart is beating, the day has unlimited possibilities, so let's get crackin'.  I ain't getting any younger!

Happy Thank You More Please

Happiness and gratitude are two things that I want to see daily.  There is so much darkness that tries to break down my spirit.  There is evil that lurks about and tries to root into my soul.

I need light, warmth, and gentleness.  I need pure, unselfish, humble love.  

I can only give what I have, and I want to give out peace, joy, hope, faith, and understanding.  But most of all, I want to give love.  I want to walk into a room and be love to the world.

Never Ask Me to be a Suicide Counselor

I would be a horrible suicide counselor.  Honest to goodness, I would.  I just read a young musician's story of his suicide attempt via pills and his reasons why: he's a bad father, a bad boyfriend, a bad friend, a bad son, a bad brother, a failure in music, etc.

After reading, I rolled my eyes, sighed, and thought to myself: he didn't want to die, he just wants people to think he wants to die so they'll feel sorry for him.  He might just be a crappy person.  He needs to man up and fix his problems.

There are some suicidal people that I can understand why they would be suicidal, but there are others who just seem like whiney attention whores.

Am I just completely compassionless?  Maybe I am, but there are some people with disease, some who are starving, some who are just trying to make it to the end of they, and they are fighting for life.  They aren't throwing away their time on this earth.  They aren't whining or complaining about how hard life is, they just want to live.

Part of me is angry because people just don't value life.  Another part of me is angry because if people are crappy, horrible human beings and they want to kill themselves to absolve themselves from guilty feelings, maybe they should just do it already.

Yet another part of me is raging because my father's life was stolen.  And suicidal people, they don't have someone with a gun to their chests robbing them of their dignity and shooting them down like a worthless nothing.

I wish I could have more compassion.  Maybe it will resurface after time, but I can almost guarantee, I wouldn't be a very good suicide counselor.  So if ever you're feeling suicidal, don't call me because I might push you over the edge by telling you that life is hard so you better get used to it.

My Fellow Americans

Today, I did an interview where I really had to explore my identity and heritage.  English is the language that I identify, as is Western/American culture.  But my heritage is not native of this country, and some of the habits and rituals that I have picked up reflect behaviors from the far East.

I am Korean, and I am not ashamed about it, nor do I feel any less about myself because I am considered a "minority."  But there are moments where I feel a little bit guilty that I don't speak the language of my "motherland."

There are choices that second generation children have to make.  Are we going to continue the legacy and heritage of our parents?  Or are we going to adopt the American way?  I have obviously chosen to be less Korean and more American.  And I am okay with that.

Hi, Atus!

I go through long stints of not writing, and it's fine for a bit, but then deep within me, something compels me to just write. It may be about the mundanities of the day, but I still feel the draw to use my words as a means of expression.

So many things have happened this year, that it's hard to talk about all of the things that I'd love to go into detail about, so I'll start with the most important: my engagement and upcoming nuptials.

Rob took me to the river walk, and we were on the balcony that overlooks the water, and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. It was a huge surprise, but I suppose that's been the whole story of us.

Prior to meeting the love of my life, I was pretty messed up- scarred from allowing unworthy men access to my heart and soul, then experiencing the biggest heartbreak of all, losing my precious, darling father, then experiencing the numbness of grief. I didn't see it coming at all, and then *bam* love hit me hard and good. I found myself dancing in the arms of a good leader, a gentleman, and a scholar. 

Neither of us were really looking, but here we are: together at last, and getting ready to build our beautiful future. It is a wonderful surprise.